No Bravery
by whoyouarexo
Summary: Jay is faced with a deadly disease which he chooses to ignore..can the one unlikely person who finds out emphasise with him and make him realise that he needs to face up to his demons, and those he loves?
1. No bravery, in your eyes anymore

Im on a roll of writing tonight, all the others were already saved on my computer, so literally just typed this up..love to everyone who reads!

Jay.

That's my name. Im strong, dependable, hyped up about any little thing, always happy.

Family guy.

As I was sitting on the other side of the doctors desk, it had all changed in the half an hour I was there.

I had cancer. Leukaemia. Something that I had seen in patients who were weak, at deaths door. They weren't happy.

I had only felt ill for a couple of weeks. I fainted once at work, Tess busy-bodied around me until I told her I would get tested. I thought I had a bug.

And now, my world had caved in and collapsed. Who was I going to tell I had cancer. I didn't have anybody. Nan, Elham, they moved away. Its only me in this big city. Charlie; he just had a heart attack, he needs a break.

Ruth; maybe if we hadn't broke up, and if she wasn't happy with Edward Thurlow. She needed a rest from angst.

Suffering was one thing. But when I realised I was suffering alone, it was almost as bad as being told I had cancer. It felt like it was just me, I was fighting alone. If I lost the battle, who would notice? Noel and Mac were too jokey to tell stories like this to. Kirsty, Zoe, they were friends. Friends. Why would they want to know. I don't put people through all of this, nursing me.

I looked into the shards of the mirror I had smashed and looked at my bleeding hand, and observed my flat, which I had turned upside town in a incomprehensive rage.

The only thing in the world I wanted was what I would never again have. Someone to hug, someone to hold me close and tell me how everything was going to be ok. I was that person to people, but I never had someone to tell me that I wasn't going to die, that I wasn't in mortal peril.

My doctor told me I would get weaker..i might bruise a little in certain areas..I might start bleeding, getting headaches. Basically getting more obvious symptoms. But I needed to work.

I couldn't sit here in this flat, doing nothing, feeling sorry for myself. I needed a purpose in life, a reason to believe.

And that's why I was going to fight the battle alone. That's why nobody was ever going to find out.

I need to believe..I need work. I need a distraction, I can see people restored to health, hoping and praying the same would happen to me.

I tucked the brown letter containing details of my condition in a draw. It would probably have a lot of company in a months time. The hospital were quite keen with dates, appointments, meetings, flyers telling me how to look after myself.

But when I shut the draw, I shut out the cancer. I didn't have it. it didn't define me, it was just a small problem.


	2. Just sadness

**Thanks for any feedback everyone! :) trying my best to write a believable story!  
**

Jay.

I went into work. I nursed. Did what I did best. I forgot about my problem. Well I tried. It was quite hard when I had sickness to rival a pregnant woman's, and was getting constant nosebleeds. Weeks later, I had stacks of brown envelopes, some even outlining how important they were in red marker. I was determined. The problem was not going to be who I was. I missed appointments, maybe I needed them, maybe I don't. I honestly think im better not knowing. I don't want to be one of those people convinced they are going to die.

Some would say I deserve it. I constantly missed check-ups, even though this disease was probably contracted because my father died from the same thing. I thought I was superman, that I was invincible, that nothing like that would happen to me, because im me. when its about yourself, its different. You never think its going to happen to you.

I had a headache. I sat in the staffroom and tried to sleep, as a very uncharacteristically soft Ruth came In and asked me what was wrong. I snapped and told her that I was fine, with the additional rhetorical question "why wouldn't I be?". She looked concerned. I don't know why. We weren't together. She was with a top notch surgeon. He could promise her the world. It was like comparing economy class to first. Its what she wanted. I wasn't going to try and tell her I loved her to get her back when she was in a good place. Everybody commented that she was happy. They tried not to do it to my face, but it was obvious by the glow in everybodys eyes when she strolled in and actually said hi. That wasn't Edward. Im not saying I worked on her in anyway but I helped her open up.

Nick Jordan

I sat in my office. Some would say I liked lording it over people. Nurses..even Doctors.

A knock sounded on the door

"Hello?"

"Hello Mr Jordan, I need to talk to you" said the young doctor, who looked a little concerned. There was a break in his voice.

"Be my guest" Jordan replied, sitting back

"Its about one of your staff" the doctor responded

"right"

"Jay Faldren is in your E.D right?"  
"Whats he done?" Nick asked, knowing of Jays passionate, headstrong approach to nursing. He cared about the job, and sometimes this lead to a argument. But Nick didn't have to wait for long, the keen young doctor jumped straight in;

"he's missed about 5 follow-up appointments that he needs to go to. Im afraid hes not medically suitable to be working the strenuous hours of a person in an emergency department anymore" said the doctor, knowing that he had probably stepped out of line contacting Jay's boss.

Jordan looked concerned

"Is it serious?"  
"Leukaemia is serious in every case, Mr Jordan, im surprised your letting him work these hours! He would have a better chance of eliminating it if he accepted it..I get the impression that he doesn't have anybody to support him so he's hiding it" said the doctor, sounding more like a counsellor.

"Well I obviously would not be letting him work if I knew the circumstances would I..Ok, thank you very much" said Nick, sounding a bit harsh at first, but he became distracted by the sight of Jay on the hospital floors. Now he looked at him he felt foolish for not noticing that something was very wrong with the nurse. He had admittedly lost weight..he spent hours in the staffroom sleeping off headaches. Nick had lectured Jay about it, told him to stop wasting times, if he wanted to drink, he could cope with the hangover. That's what he thought of Jay, he didn't think Jay would block a secret this big from the department, his friends. Ruth.

But he knew. He knew why Jay was blocking it. Because he knew the potential effects it could have the same way Nick did when he received the news of his brain tumour. He didn't want to be treated like a invalid. He hadn't missed check-ups though. Jay had completely shut out this news, and his knowledge of it. He had worked incessantly, sometimes double shifts, night-shifts. He had just assumed Jay was trying to get some extra money for his big nights out.

He decided to give Jay some time. Something he wished he had. Time to accept the news. Nick couldn't even accept the news. This was Jay, young, bubbly, annoying but hilarious, endearing, Nurse Faldren. He had Cancer. And Nick knew more then anyone how things changed once you had the label "the guy with cancer"


	3. Trouble is the only way is down

**Much love for the reviews! :) **

Jay

Weeks on, and I had learnt to deal with the complexities. By learnt to deal; I mean not coping at all, but not showing it. The heavy nosebleeds, the constant sickness, he had the timings down to a T,so he could just sneak off and look after it.

He felt different, almost as if nobody was on his back. He had got so used to facing everything alone that he hardly talked anymore. He just did his work and went home. He felt like Ruth. She would do this. Just get lost in work, go home. Just hoping nobody would notice the change. He knew he had lost weight, but everyone was pre-occupied. And the only people who would notice his sadness or care, had other things to deal with. They had moved on with their lives and left him. Ruth had a new relationship, she was happy, Charlie had Shona's pregnancy to deal with, he understood that. But he didn't understand the fact that although there were so many people In the world, he still had the feeling of being constantly alone everytime he was faced with the whole department. The rare times he went in the pub and laughed with Noel and Mac about shallow subjects, his heart wasn't in it. He saw Jordan staring at him from the other side of the table..but he knew that was just making sure he didn't drink too much. He had disguised his banging headache as a killer hangover, and Nick walked in and asked why he was taking a early break. He had then went on to lecture Jay about public health, putting people in danger..he had blocked it out. He knew the real reason. That was enough.

He sat in the pub, a picture of silence as he put on a the show he normally did, "he was fine"

Nick.

He didn't know what to do. He had found out about Jay,known for weeks but not known what to do. If the last 2 years hadn't of happened, Jay would have been hauled into his office for a talking to, Nick would of told the department so they could help Jay, help him see that he couldn't work.

But now Nick had had the cancer in his brain, and he knew what it was like not to feel in control anymore. He knew that this was Jays way of dealing with it.

But he couldn't stand by and watch Jay kill himself, like Nick had done himself. He wanted to save Jay the sheer embarrassment of collapsing in the workplace, where everyone wants to know whats happening, and you cant block them from finding out, Nick remembered when he collapsed, and Charlie was looking after him. he had never felt so vulnerable. He hated being vulnerable, being seen as vulnerable, someone who needed looking after. He was so determined for it not to happen, he was Nick Jordan, he didn't need help.

He saw this element of himself in Jay. He knew Jay liked to be known as the guy who never cried, never got hurt by anything, he was never in the position where he needed help, he was one of the guys who acted as the backbone of the department, supportive, caring.

He sat on the pub table and looked at Jay, again pretending to be his cheeky self, like nothing was wrong, a façade. He saw Jay realise that he was observing him so he stopped.

He decided that he would buy Jay some more time. He would ward off the keen young doctor constantly asking him to get Jay into contact. He would do something that he wouldn't of known to do before. He would act like a silent pillar of support until Jay was ready.

He knew Jay didn't want everyone knowing his business, it was humiliating, degrading almost, the way everyone suddenly started to swan

But Nick didn't know the ins and outs of Leukaemia; it wasn't a disease that could be brushed under the carpet, it would reveal itself somehow.


	4. I will follow you into the dark

**Oh dear, I posted the following chapter to this one, how embarrassing of me! Hope nobody saw it + thanks for all the feedback, keep it coming I love it! 3**

Jay

Being ill just felt like my life now. I cant remember the last time I could walk without feeling dizzy, nurse without feeling sick, have hours on end without nosebleeds. I could walk into something and not get a bruise, but now even a light punch from Noel was likely to come out in a big purple bruise. I started wearing my staff hoodie more, to cover up my weight loss. Tess moaned and groaned and said it didn't look professional, but I argued back that it was cold, and she looked at me, surveying me. she said I looked a little peaky, why don't I check myself out. I reassured her it was a cold, nothing more, nothing less. I wish it was only that.

The cancer could sometimes be forgotten. When I saw Ruth's beau in the department I often wanted to drag my feet forwards him and introduce his smarmy face to my fist, but deep down I knew he had done nothing wrong. He had helped Ruth move on. He had taught me the importance of not leaving things too late, or they wouldn't happen at all. I was going to forgive Ruth, I just needed time. I mean who finds out their girlfriend knowingly aborted their child, let them bully themselves, thinking it was them, and then was I just meant to turn around and say "that's peachy, lets go home and eat pizza" I just needed some time to clear my head, clear the hate that had grown for the only woman that I had grown to love. I had never experienced a feeling like it. I look at her, sad and lonely, a shadow of who I used to be, while she flits around with the department, making friends with a smile on her face. Shes better off without me.

I treated a old woman the other day. She was suffering, from diabetes. She was alone in the world. She had nobody to help her, she just died. On her own, no family, no friends, nobody knew, and nobody wanted to, because she hadn't accepted the help. It made me think. What if I was to turn out like that? In that big fridge, with nobody to care because I hadn't let anyone in. they would just feel pitiful that I hadn't told them. It would destroy me to know that. I have built my life around being a people person. Tess kept me on because of my people skills. Charlie saw himself in me because of my people skills. My people skills is what helped Ruth thaw towards me. and now I wont even respond to the question "how are you" with a shade of truth.

Its not a easy conversation. How do you tell people?

"Oh hi, ex girlfriend I still love, I have cancer"

"Oh hey Charlie, I know you just had a heart attack, but can you help me I have cancer"

"Oh hi Mr. Jordan, I thought because you had cancer you could identify, I have it too"

"Hey Tess, I need some time off for a check up. Yes its serious, I have cancer"

"Kirsty, nope not in work for a while mate, yeah got a could-be-fatal disease"

"Nope Mac, not coming football tonight, don't think cancer agrees with it"

"Noel, can't make a bet today, im sitting in bed because I have cancer"

"Lenny, nope, cant work together for a bit, got a leukaemia scan in a bit"

"Adam, nope mate cant come down the pub, beers don't go with the medication. Oh yeah I have cancer.."

That's not how. You cant just drop it into a conversation. If I could of maybe I would of. I had to have a whole build up. Tell the person I was talking too that we needed a meeting. I couldn't do it. sit in a office pretending to be fine, then blurting that out. Then telling the heartbroken person why I never told them in the first place, why I was risking patients lives by treating them, just for my own personal gain? To help me stay in denial about the fact that my cells are multiplying, attacking me and going out to kill. Oh and I could drop in I missed a lot of check ups although the cancer was inherited, and my father died of the same thing, aswell as my grandfather. It wasn't optimistic. They were both such strong men and they lost the battle. I didn't know about either until they were gone. They did what im doing now. They hid it and carried on as normal, living in hope that nobody would notice the secret they were hiding.

I hated being left in the dark. I didn't even know what cancer was when my shaking, pale dad told me that my grandfather lost his battle against it. it was even worse with dad. His own father had kept him in the dark, and he hated it..he was always shaking like a leaf, crying himself to sleep. But yet he did the same to me. he shut me out, decided I couldn't deal with the circumstances of his condition.

But im doing the same to everybody I care about. I knew I couldn't keep it in for much longer. But I wasn't ready to turn everybody's lives upside down just yet. People were happy. Shona had just had her baby, Charlie was over the moon. Ruth looked happier everytime she came into the department. I just knew she would beat herself up about things, even though they weren't her fault. Even Jordan and Zoe were quite cosy in their little love nest.

What could I do to make things right?

As I sat in the on call room I pondered.

I shook slightly; a sensation went through my small, fragile frame that had never taken place there before. I had travelled from the bed, I was on the floor, having a fit, struggling to keep my eyes open, trying not to notice the pain ripping through my body, trying to stay conscious. Then, the battle was lost, and I lay on the floor, blood spilling from my nose and making a small puddle on the floor next to me.

All is lost but not to be found.


	5. Everytime I try to fly I fall

**Thanks for the reviews everyone keep going! :D , Casualty sounds good this weekend doesn't it, lets hope RJ is on the up! Love to all of you guys! Ive been doing my research about cancer etc, so if any of it doesn't sound realistic then let me know so I can alter it! xo**

In the hospital.

"Has anyone seen Jay hes meant to be on shift?" Tess asked, and looked around the room at all the shaking heads, nobody knowing where her younger worker had sneaked off to this time. Ruth put down her files, she was intrigued. Jay had been in the reception just twenty minutes ago, where she overheard him telling Noel that his break wasn't until ages away, 2 hours away.

She saw Tess go and question Charlie, who also didn't shed any light on Jays whereabouts.

Tess sighed, and went up to Nick Jordans office. She didn't like to be there that often, but it was highly possible Jay had got himself into some trouble, so she needed to question the boss.

She softly knocked and Nicks sharp voice sounded

"come in"

Tess entered, and Nick gestured for her to take a seat

"What can I do for you Tess?" Nick asked, politely

"I know this is a bit inappropriate, and your going to think I cant keep tabs on my staff.." Tess started, and Nick immediately became interested, and wondered who Tess had lost this time

"have you seen Jay?" Tess finished

"He hasn't been up here all day" Nick said, and he frowned to himself

"is he in any trouble?" Tess asked, and Nick shook his head, wondering where the young, cancer stricken nurse had gone. Was he hurt? Nick didn't know every in and out of every cancer, it wasn't his job. He fiercely had tried to avoid the subject when he got the brain tumour.

Jay laid in the on call room, he was unconscious, the blood was still dripping from his nose. He looked more peaceful then he had looked for weeks. He looked less agitated, less constantly worried that somebody was going to discover his secret.

Tess left, and Jordan quickly stood up. He got the nurses schedule up on his computer. Jay wasn't due a break for another 2 hours. He wouldn't give himself time off, make anyone suspicious. That wasn't his game. Nick switched off his monitor and looked around the corridor, trying to look as panic free as he ever did, switching off from the fact this was everybody's friend he was trying to find; just a patient.

He walked everywhere; he checked resus, the nurse's cubicles, the staff room. He made small talk with Lenny who was brimming with enthusiasm over his discovery with Yuki, about the crypto mystery. Nick had to admit that they had conducted themselves unprofessionally, and unruly at times, but it was something he would of done. He saw a lot of himself in Lenny. When he was younger he was foolish, he just wanted to get ahead. He would breeze ahead of the competition with the constant set back of his foot in mouth disease. So the two young doctors in his book, had done a commendable job. He looked in the cafeteria, and then saw Ruth. She was going to wonder why he was here. "Hi mr Jordan" she said, sounding professional per usual. She was the only person that didn't call him "Nick"

"how may you be Dr Winters?" Jordan asked, with his usual charm. Ruth said good, and Jordan made his excuses and bought himself a coffee. He but it in the bin, he couldn't stand hospital coffee. He walked along another corridor of the hospital, finding the on call room.

Maybe jay had taken a nap, he must be tired, the condition could be wearing him out.

Nick opened the door…and Jay was lying there, blood dripping from his nose.

"Oh Jay" he said, and quickly ran out, breathing slightly as he spotted Charlie;

"Charlie I need help in here" Nick requested, and Charlie bemoaned his break

"you need to be here" Jordan said, and Charlie quickened his pace towards Jordan, knowing that it must be serious.

"Jay" Charlie said, looking like he had just been stabbed. He had never seen Jay in such a state.

"we need a bed" Nick said, and Charlie quickly returned with one which they placed Jay on.

"Excuse me" Charlie said, as Tess and Kirsty stood in the way, gossiping about something or a rather, both being on their break

"Is that Jay?" Tess asked, open mouthed at the presence on the bed

"Indeed it is" Nick said, powering forward still.

He heard Lenny on the phone, about his own patient

"Is doctor winters the only one there..oh fine then" Lenny said, putting the phone down. He hadn't seen Jay, Nick was trying to keep him covered up.

"Nick, you don't know whats wrong with him do you?" Charlie asked

Nick didn't know what to say. He looked into the kind eyes of Charlie Fairhead

"Hes been lieing to us" Nick said, and Charlies look of concern deepened

"How?"

"Jays got Cancer..Leukaemia,.and hes been hiding it for a awfully long time now..under all our noses"

"What?" asked another voice. And Charlie gasped and exchanged a look with Nick as they both laid eyes upon the tear-stricken young doctor in the doorway..who was looking at the bed Jay was collapsed on like it was on fire.


	6. Strong as you were, tender you go

**Cheers for the reviews guys, Love you all! As I said, trying to keep it realistic! Short but insightful chapter! xoxo**

"Ruth?" Asked Charlie, quietly

She stood, speechless. Nick looked at her with a quiet disdain,knowing that the two people in this room were going to be the two largely affected by the news.

"Ive got this curtain around Jay, for his privacy I request that we don't tell anyone else until he wakes up and get his say so" Nick said, sounding practical. He wouldn't of usually done this but because of his experience, and the way it happened to him, he wanted to make sure it would be better for Jay, so he didn't have to suffer the same humiliation. If he woke up.

Ruth spoke

"where did you find him?" she asked, trying not to choke up, or show weakness.

"he was In the on call room, who knows how long he was there for" Nick said, looking up at Ruth, who was on the verge of tears.

"how long?" she asked, and Charlie also looked at Nick. He didn't question why he knew, he just assumed Jay had told him. but why would Nick Jordan be Jays choice of confidant?

"about 2-3 months" Nick said, looking ashamed that he had kept it in for so long. He looked at the young nurse, the broken man on the bed, and he realised the result of his actions. He had only tried to help, buy Jay some time. Now he had given Jay too much time, and he was in a hospital bed, collapsed and having lost a lot of blood. The cancer had taken over. Nick rushed off before he could explain properly, he needed to tell Tess an excuse of some sort, and Kirsty. They couldn't know. Jay obviously wasn't in any rush to let the public know of his cancer.

Half an hour later,Jay had his own room and Ruth still looked like she couldn't believe her eyes. Jay..her first love had been hiding something like this from everyone..Jay.

Jay, the person who had helped her so much was collapsed in a hospital bed, while a random nurse rubbed blood from his face.

She stepped towards the female nurse,

"I can do that" she said, with a small smile

"Are you sure.." the nurse started, but she knew who Ruth was as well as she knew who Jay was, Ruth and Jay were like the couple of the ED since Jessica left Adam. Yet they broke up. But surely a confession like that would bring them together. She shouldn't meddle, she was just a junior nurse. She handled Ruth the materials she was handling and walked off.

Ruth stepped towards Jay, and started rubbing the blood off softly.

"Jay,why would you hide this? I know we aren't together, because I mucked it all up. But couldn't you of told Charlie, Tess,,someone could of helped you" she had said, looking at his eyes, shut. She wondered why she didn't notice. Jay had been looking vacant, but she had just concentrated on being a big surgeon with her boyfriend. Her feelings overpowered her. She had never felt so strongly for someone, apart from Jay. As soon as she heard Jay wasn't on shift, she had thought something was wrong. But she didn't feel it was her place to pry. Not now now ever. She had got the call from Lenny for another patient, presumably before Jay was brought in. she had seen the familiar socks sticking out as she got closer to resus, she thought she was seeing things, just hallucinating. But then she saw his hair, his face, covered in blood, and suddenly it was real.

She finished wiping the blood, and looked at him sorrowfully. She placed her hand gently on his.

"you know, you supported me through my darkest times..so if you ever need me to help you through this, im here" she sighed. She knew he would never hear. He would never know.

"that would be nice" croaked Jay…Ruth looked at him. She would be there.


	7. If ever your world starts crashing down

**Thank you so much for the reviews guys, keep them coming! Babs your comment literally made my day!**

**Dedications to this chapter have to go to George2507- 1) he consistently reviews my fictions 2)he writes great fictions 3)a known RJ shipper, and as this chapter is RJ I thought it would fit!**

**Love you all! As I said, ive researched what im writing about so let me know at any point if im not being realistic about things, e.g. time periods..**

"Who knows?" he asked her, minutes later when she had pulled up a chair

"Nick, Charlie" She stated

"How?" he asked

"Nicks apparently known for months" Ruth said, and Jay was a picture of confusion. Why hadn't he said anything. And more importantly, how did he know.

"Jay, why didn't you say anything?" asked Ruth, and Jay shrugged.

"why would I want to" he said, his eyes glazing over, he looked vulnerable

"I know you couldn't talk to me but why not Charlie..Tess.." she started.

"I didn't want anyone to know. Once you tell someone, its real" Jay replied, sadly, and Ruth looked at her idealistic ex partner.

"Jay everyones going to be there for you, you just need to let everyone know"

"I cant. I just need to rest and get back to work" he said, and Ruth looked at him in disbelief

"Jay you cant" she said

"Ruth, please" he continued, and Ruth's phone started ringing. She took it, and made a face

"you can go to your boyfriend, its ok. Im not a charity case" Jay said softly, and she smiled at him,

She exited the room, and stood outside.

This couldn't be happening again. Her life was back on track. She had got over the heartache. But she still couldn't believe it. jay had cancer. Her jay. But he wasn't the same anymore. She could tell by the weak version of the man she had seen in the room. He was alone, afraid. He had thought that nobody would face this with him, and he had too much pride to ever tell anyone. If they were together she was almost 99% sure that she would of known.

She carried on looking into the window of Jay's room sadly, not realising how much time she had wasted.

"You're here" snapped a voice, and Ruth looked up into the eyes of Edward Thurlow.

"Sorry" she said shortly, knowing that after the first time Edward got angry at her, that she didn't want a repeat.

"I know you and him have history, but whatever's wrong with him, let him get on with it. he is not your responsibility anymore" Edward said harshly. He didn't know if it was out of jealously for the man. He didn't seem well off now but even Edward knew his girlfriend still festered a attraction to the nurse. Anyone could . he had been warned about it when he had started seeing Ruth. Not that he had worried..Whenever one of his fellow surgeons said "they were only saying this because they care, but Ruth has unfinished business with her ex" he would laugh it off and continue his work. Ruth would choose him over a nurse anyday.

"Hes my friend" Ruth said, knowing too well that this was not the case, but she needed to keep Edward off her back.

"That didn't look friendly" Edward retorted

"Look, yes we were in a relationship, but hes ill and im trying to be a friend to him like he would be to me" Ruth said, looking satisfied with herself

"But you wouldn't need him you would have me,maybe he needs to find some friends of his own" Edward said sternly.

"I don't have time for this" Ruth said, hastily and made a quick exit from the hospital. She couldn't breathe, everything had changed so much in one day.

She sat at the bus stop, in deep thought. All she thought about was Jay, how was he, how ill was he. Was he ever going to recover?

Then she thought about other things in her life. Over the last few weeks she had got everything she had wanted in life. She had a surgery career,she had Edward, she was having a good life. And then this whole situation with Jay exploded and she felt like it was back to square one. Nothing was enough anymore. Did she love Edward? Truthfully she didn't. she loved jay. She always had, always would,and her desperation to move on had led to a lot of rash decisions. She had seen him hugging Polly, having banter with other nurses,and this was enough to push her over the edge. He always had other options, she didn't. she couldn't just go and flirt with Nick Jordan or someone who would make Jay jealous. She knew it was just his way of dealing with things, like hers was shutting everything and everyone out, and that's what she had done when her and Jay had broken up.

Now she just wanted to focus on the future. But was her future Edward? He had seemed so kind and lovely at first, but as she got to know him, the more brutal he was.

Was he just a temporary filler for the void Jay had left?


	8. I keep your heart close to mine

**Thanks for everything guys. Babs, the chapter names are certain lyrics from songs that I think emote the chapter, I like coming up with them, it feels more personal to the story to have that then "chapter 1, 2" etc! **

** Im determined to make this fiction more Jay then Ruth/Jay so bear with me if theres not much Ruth, im trying to keep it realistic and keep her in turmoil etc etc. I like exploring his relationship with Charlie also! Keep reviewing people! Highly appreciated!**

Jay sat up in his bed in his room, the hospital staff, under Jays instruction to Nick, had been told he was attending a funeral in France, Tess had challenged him, but Nick had told Tess that Jay was suffering from dehydration. Nick wanted to tell everybody, get Jay out of the position, but he knew he couldn't break patient confidentiality, even though as Charlie pointed out earlier; he could be risking his patients if he returned to work. A funeral..In France, Jay had thought to himself as Nick told him the excuse..he had never visited France..but he had to make it believable now.  
Nobody could see him, apart from Ruth, Charlie and Nick himself, Jay did not even feel comfortable with these three seeing him, he asked Nick to tell Ruth not to come, he did not like looking weak next to the woman he loved...Nick didn't even bother telling him that Ruth had never ever seen him as weak..but they all had something in common apart from being Jays pillars of support.  
All of them thought he was making a bad decision not telling anyone, but that's the way he wanted it, what could they do?  
Charlie came into his room, he hadn't talked properly since the reveal of the cancer, so Jay heaved himself up to see Charlie fully, he had pulled up a chair next to Jay's bed, looking at him, wondering what was going on in the head of the nurse he had formed a close alliance with.  
"Alright mate?" he asked, and Jay softly nodded,  
"Going to be back soon" he said with a smile, and Charlie looked towards the window, not wanting Jay to think he supported this decision  
"You should rest" he said slowly.  
"I cant just sit here all day, im going mad already" Jay remarked, and Charlie looked at him, he knew the feeling. But that didnt mean anything. This was Jay. Jay who kept this huge secret to himself.  
"why didn't you tell anyone jay? I mean if it was something small like your cat died, maybe you can leave that out, but you have cancer, Jay" Charlie said. It stung hearing the words, he almost forgot he had cancer for a few days. He had convinced himself that he was in this funeral in france, singing for the dearly departed. Now he had to face upto the fact that in 5 years he could be one of the dearly departed.  
"when you tell people it makes it real..and everyone had other worries, I wasn't going to burden them more" he replied, looking into Charlies blue eyes, trying to come across as strong, fearless. But Charlie knew him too well..all Charlie could detect was fear and sadness.  
"I would of helped you. I know your proud and you don't want to be seen as weak, but enough is enough" Charlie continued  
"im not weak, im not disabled, I have a disease, I can work and fight it" Jay said, wishing the confident sound in his voice was replicated by the distant sounds of "No" hissing in his head.  
"you cant go full time" Charlie stated  
"I was before" Jay replied, his voice full of determination.  
"and how did that work out, yes let me remind you, Nick Jordan bust open the on call room and found you lieing in your own blood" Charlie said, sounding frustrated at the fact Jay couldn't see what was in front of his face.  
"but I can get medication now..I can pace myself" Jay said, in a decisive tone.  
"Jay, this isn't a bug, or a temperature, this is full blown cancer. Its not going to get better its going to get worse" Charlie replied. He knew he shouldn't be so harsh, he knew he needed to allay Jay's huge fears, but the only way he knew he would get through to him was using the worst case scenario  
"Jay, if your working, what are you going to do when your so tired you cant open your eyes, when your nose is dripping blood all the way down your face constantly. What if your assisting in resus and then you collapse?"  
"Its chronic leukaemia ..it will get worse slowly. I have time left"  
"as the head nurse I can stop you from working" Charlie said, he did not want to have to use this line but it was necessary.  
"but you cant tell anyone, because im a patient and its confidential" jay snapped back, knowing that Charlie would not have the heart to tell him he could be dangerous.  
"jay just try and see my point of view here. if something happened to you, there would be so many heartbroken people in this department" Charlie started  
"heartbroken?" jay said, with a hollow laugh  
"ruth for starters, adam, nick, tess, noel, mac, me?" Charlie began, and Jay looked at him, afraid of the knowledge Charlie had, afraid for the people that cared about him. He knew he was being selfish. But he was being confronted with it now, and thats what he disliked so much.  
"I don't want to be like every other person with cancer. I don't want to give up, lay down and let it ruin my life, I want to treat it while im working and fight it. it wont be easy but I can do it"  
"living in a flat on your own"  
"well I can work on my own, I had to before this big reveal" jay said, and Charlie sighed, knowing that what he was about to say was so unprofessional on so many levels.  
"come live with me. I can help you. I wont tell anyone, but at least make sure you have a support system" Charlie said, sort of feeling a little better. At least if Jay lived with him, he could keep a steady eye on him.  
"Charlie I cant ask you to do that, you have a family, a son"  
"a son who has gone travelling with his mates for 2 years, some funny deal thing. It would put my mind at rest at least knowing theres someone there, even if its me" Charlie said, and Jay looked into his friendly eyes, now filled with concern. He knew Charlie was serious.  
"Deal, gramps" Jay said, a flicker of his old swagger and charm detectable.  
"one more thing; im making sure your kept out of resus" Charlie said, and Jay nodded.  
"I don't think Mr Jordan would approve do you?"  
"how did Nick know, I didn't think he would be the first person you told"  
"I didn't tell him. im guessing my complete nerd of a doctor chose to confide in him about the fact that I hadn't turned up to any of his stupid follow up appointments"sighed Jay,and he yawned.  
"Im going to leave you to sleep, and this time in a fortnight, your coming home with me" Charlie smiled  
"A fortnight, what am I going to say; "hey guys went to a 1 day funeral in france and then the volcanic ash came down?" he asked, incredously. Keeping up the lie and pretence was going to be a lot more challenging then Jay first though. **  
**


	9. Listen to the wiseman

**Keep reviewing guys, thank you very much for all the ones Ive recieved so far, and im sorry that the updates are getting slower!**

**As I said for anyone wanting to know, more Ruth coming up soon, but this is mainly a Jay fiction, so im trying to explore Jays persona, Jays friendships.. is there any other people you want me to write in to make the story more realisitc? such as Mac and Noel? Maybe Tess? Just click the button and let me know guys! This is a shorter, filler chapter but I promise that there will be more drama coming soon, but we need to have this developing slowly to sort of keep the realism, if it is realistic at all! My knowledge of these certain subjects only goes so far! x**

"Jay jay jay" Nick said, going into the room and sitting down almost immediately, without invitation.  
"Nick" Jay said softly. He knew he owed the man a lot  
"How did you know?" Jay asked, firstly wondering if his theory was correct  
"your new doctor, quite a keen man, alerted me as soon as you missed your fitth appointment" Nick sighed, and raised a eyebrow at Ja,y Jay knew this meant he neede to give further information about why he was constantly missing his appointments  
"I didn't want to make it more real then it needed to be" Jay muttered. He still didn't realise quite how naïve he sounded, but he didn't want to, that was the beauty of it.  
"Jay.." Nick started.  
"Look I know it sounds stupid. But I cant just sit at home or in here all day wondering whats going to happen next. I want to be busy, working with patients, being with my friends"  
"I know you want to but its not going to work. It might for a couple of days but your condition is going to get worse..its chronic but that doesn't mean that things wont start effecting you Jay" Nick replied, and Jay didn't seem to take any of the words in.  
"What do you want me to do?" he answered  
"You need some time off, just to recover"  
"im fine. Look I can discharge myself right?"  
"with the doctors consent, and you don't have mine"  
"then I can get Ruths"  
"you really think shes going to give you consent to leave with the way she feels about you?" Nick asked, wondering what Jay must of taken to make him see things so differently to anyone else. Jay was never a person to be deluded, he was the guy that could read people, know what patients, friends of his were thinking, but now he wasnt in touch at all.  
"Shes with Edward she wont care where I go.."  
Nick rolled his eyes, knowing that this was far from the truth.  
"At least let me rest at home. Prescribe me something" Jay said  
"No. that's the end of it, you can go in a week or so if you just follow the rules for once"  
Nick said, looking at the young nurse in front of him. He was a brave man. But a foolish one. He reminded him of himself when he was in the situation. He fought off peoples help, made sure they didn't find out. But nick now knew that this was not going to help Jay, because it didn't help him.  
"Jay.." Nick tried one more time, and got the young mans attention  
"Don't make the same mistakes I did" Nick said, hovering near the door with a half smile on his face, and Jay smiled. Nick spoke again  
"and for the record, it's a shame about you and doctor winters…I don't make a habit of gaining interest in staff relationships..but you're the one she wants, not that Edward" Nick said again, this was out of character for him. But he just wanted to see Jay supported by someone who really loved him. Ruth really loved him. Nick saw it in her eyes the first time she had stated to him that she was seeing someone, who irritated her. He had replied with, "the good ones do, dr winters" not even having a clue it was Jay.  
Jay smiled softly to himself, but knew Nick was probably just trying to be kind. Jay was the guy in cancer, laid up in a bed with only himself to talk to for at least the next week. Nick was giving him some hope. Something to wake up for. But he was pretty certain that the Ruth he saw with Edward, was quite happy.  
But he did have something to look forward to. He was staying with Charlie soon. That was bound to be more fun then holed up in a hospital pretending he was at a funeral to every other member of staff apart from those who had to know.**  
**


	10. It kills me

**Keep every review coming guys, seem to be slowing down a bit! Dedications to Babs123! **

**I promise you all more Ruth soon! This is another Charlie chapter! It makes a bit of a switch between 1st, 2nd and 3rd person, sorry for the confusion but I felt it was more emotive to have each section in this sort of speech, I tried to change it but it didnt have the right ring to it!**

**xoxo**

"Charlie Charlie Charlie..I have been waiting for this day for so long" Jay said, sitting up with a smile playing on his lips  
"Ive never seen someone so enthusiastic about coming home with me" Charlie said, and Jay laughed.  
"I can see air again.." Jay started  
"and you kick up a fuss when the patients are trying to escape" Charlie sighed  
"they aren't detained without their consent" Jay said, trying to sound smart  
"They didn't hide a illness" Charlie retorted  
"Touche" Jay said, too tired to defend himself again.  
"Wait..how im I going to get out of the hospital" Jay started  
"Well, you put one foot in front of the other" Charlie said, winking at him  
"My sides are splitting gramps" Jay said, rolling his eyes so far back he could probably see his brain  
"Do you need a wheelchair?" Charlie suggested, with a slight tone of worry added to his voice  
"that still goes through reception right..with .friends!" Jay stated, and Charlie finally saw what he was getting at  
"Well we just need to hope they don't see you" Charlie said, simply  
"what if they do" Jay asked, he was never someone who didnt study every consequence in his head. What if Tess saw him..or even worse Mac and Noel..  
"we'll cross that bridge when we come to it" Charlie said, with the air of one debating whether to have toppings on his Pizza or not  
"I will jump off it" Jay said, with a dark tone, why wasnt Charlie taking this seriously?  
"Jay, lets not be melodramatic here" Charlie said, finally realising that Jay was more worried about people finding out then the illness itself.  
"Im serious mate, I do not want anyone knowing, they'll be placing bets on when I die or something" Jay said, with a small smile at the thought of being normal soon..placing bets with the likes of Noel, Mac, Lenny, Jeff & Yuki, having Tess telling him off..  
"No they wouldn't.." Charlie said, knowing that if his friends knew, they would be as concerned as him  
"I don't like people knowing im ill" Jay said, with his normal passionate tone of voice  
"Never noticed" said Nick curtly, entering the room. Jay laughed  
"Mr J hows it going" he asked, like he was addressing a old mate  
"fine jay, how are you more to the point?" Nick asked, holding a clipboard  
"I feel fabulous and fresh" remarked Jay, sarcastically, and Nick looked at him, Jay knew it was time to cut the sarcasm. It wouldnt wash with Mr J  
"Ok, I feel a bit tired" he said, trying to downplay things. Now he had cancer, mountains were going to be made out of molehills.  
"well get to charlies, and get some bedrest" Nick said, and sauntered out the room, satisfied.

"Right, lets get you out of here" Charlie said, being careful to take my bags, like I couldn't hold anything. I wanted to remind him that I had cancer, and I wasn't disabled, but I knew Charlie sort of liked caring for me, it made him feel more important, it made him miss Louis less, he had a focus. And at least if someone saw me I could make a run for it.  
We walked down the corridor together, and got the lift down to the ED reception. I tensed up immediately, worried that somebody would see me. The lift wasn't far from the entrance I just needed to power walk. I put my head down and was content doing this until I got to the door. I saw jeff. Jeff? Wasn't he on a shift or something. He was walking in with a coffee. Since when? Jay followed his shoes with his eyes and heard a cry of "Jay!", but Jay ignored it and ducked behind Charlies car. Jeff looked around, then buried himself in thoughts that he had the wrong person, and had shouted "Jay" at a random hoodie bloke. He should of known, skinnier build then Jay, with a lot less colour. He couldn't wait to tell his mate when he was back from the funeral, "oi Jay, i shouted your name at some puny little hoodie the other day!"

Charlie got in the car and gave Jay a reassuring smile. Jay rated Charlie. He knew he was scared but didn't say anything, he just carried the world on his shoulders with a easy confidence and a calm smile. He let Jay think that he knew what was best while silently supporting him. This was the type of person he needed in his life.  
Charlie pulled into his driveway and Jay got out of the car, delighted at the simple things around him. The flowers, the hanging basket above the door, the completely normal things that he hadn't experienced in his life for a long time. He got in the door and it was a family home. It had a picture of Charlie and Louis, and to his shock, a picture of him, Charlie and Tess. He smiled, this was a couple of days before he found out about the cancer. He was ill then aswell, but he looked so different. Jay looked at his bony wrists now, comparing them to the form that he had taken so long working upto in the gym. He was overwhelmed that he meant that much to Charlie. He remembered a conversation with Charlie before, about this very wall, he was telling Jay that the people on the wall were the ones that really mattered. Jay had made it.  
For the first time, he registered the huge change that had taken place. He noticed what everyone else had noticed. He didn't realise how much his appearance had changed.  
He wheeled around to find Charlies eyes upon him, and it was clear that Charlie knew exactly what he was thinking

"you've changed"  
"just been at the gym less" Jay replied, in a pretence that he didn't know how much he had changed. Charlie sighed and looked at his watch.  
"So, your rooms just here" Charlie said with a smile, and directed Jay into his room, it was perfect. It had a double bed, Charlie had got a tv from another room into Jay's room, books, magazines, even a mini fridge. He had thought of everything. Jay had never felt so cared for.  
He suddenly got hit by a realisation. Him, Jay Faldren had cancer, and had been trying to avoid it. But there was a point where he wouldnt be able to avoid it for any longer, and the point was nearing.  
**  
**


	11. Getting high

**Sorry for the lack of updates guys, been a bit busy recently. Trying to update quite alot now because im going away on saturday for a week!  
Thanks to everyone reviewing, keep at it guys! :D xx**

Jay sat on his bed at Charlies house. He was frustrated. He hated resting, he hated feeling in debt to someone else. He hated the lack of control in his life. He had many temptations to sneak out and go to work, but Charlie had sensed this and made sure the doors were locked from the outside aswell as the inside, so he was literally a prisoner. He sighed. He knew Charlie was trying to help, trying to make sure he didnt come to any harm, and after some of the stunts Jay had pulled in the past, it was fair enough, Jay was one of those people who performed a task, or carried out a action before thinking of the potential consequences. This lead to arguments with people, after he had said something thoughtless. This had lead to accidents, when he was having a daydream and not putting one foot in front of the other with much success. But now he also knew that his thoughts were failing him. He was trying to hide cancer. If any of his friends had done that to him, he would be beyond livid. He was upset enough when Mr Jordan suddenly left without a trace due to a brain tumour. Now he was doing the same. Nobody was falling for the funeral excuse, Jay needed to know what they had been telling him. He knew Nick might be able to protect them from the truth but Charlie? Ruth? He hadnt seen much of Ruth recently. Word was from Charlie that Edward was acting up a little bit. Poncy git.

Jay blew his nose, and frowned as he yet again saw blood all over the tissue, the antibiotics he had been given were doing quite well controlling other symptoms, but the nosebleeds were always a problem. The worst problem for someone who wanted to work in a hospital. What if he was giving someone stitches and suddenly his nose was covered in blood?

He remembered talking to Charlie, asking him why he was enforcing so much protection on him..Charlie chuckled slightly and said Jay was the younger version of him. He never accepted help and it never helped him. He was pig-headed, he wanted to constantly be active, he wanted to be in the epicentre of peoples lives. He told Jay that he had lost someone due to cancer. It was one of the worst conversations of his life. How did you respond when your mate tells you he had a person close to him loosing their battle against cancer? Jay then knew that Charlie wasn't just helping him because he was a friend. It ran deeper then that..Charlie had begged him to tell people, he had told Jay not to be ashamed of it. Jay wasn't ashamed of the cancer itself, but the man the cancer had turned him into. A quivering, ill, frail wreck. He was a shadow of who he used to be, mentally and physically. Jay had told Charlie it wasnt possible, but Charlie responded with a swift, "Anythings possible", with a smile, and he departed the room, knowing he was fighting a loosing battle.

Charlie started to inject more trust into the relationship. Days passed, and Jay found the bolts keeping him imprisoned removed from the doors, he found that he had a freedom, Charlie trusted him. But he didnt trust himself. He wanted to work more then anything in the world but he was steadily getting more and more weak, tired, and ill. Days flew by, and turned into weeks, Jay had been attending his check-ups, going over possible treatments..Nick Jordan had even attended some meetings with him insisting that he could help him find the best type of treatment, Jay knew what Nick was doing..he was just making sure Jay recieved the support that he never did, because he hadnt approached someone. Jay was glad of the company, it was daunting, sitting on the other side of the desk time after time, as the doctor carelessly clicked away at the computer, always convieneatly at the angle that Jay couldnt see. Nick wasnt going to start holding his hand or anything, but he was a pillar of support, silent support. The type of support Jay appreciated. He felt a bond with Nick, almost as if they had something in common..it was a respect. Nick had got through this, now Jay had to show him that he could get through it aswell.

Ruth walked through reception, picking up another file for yet another patient. She ignored another call from Edward. Edward was falling for her fast, yet she couldnt take her mind off work. Usually, when the prospect of dating reared its head, she paid attention to work, but it took a knock in her life, because suddenly it wasnt the most important thing. Yet with Edward, all she wanted to do was be at the hospital, talking to the workers that didnt like her, listening to patients giving out abuse but not taking it, and even monitoring the stupid bets going on between Noel, Mac, Jay, and the rest of the staff. That was it. Jay. The only other man who she had ever had a long-term relationship with. He had made her want to fly to a desert island just to stay with him, when they were tucked up in bed she never wanted to get up. She had the security of Jay, he was strong and sensitive. But Ruth knew that chapter had closed.

But they were still friends...she mentally slapped herself. How could she not of even enquired about his condition, when she was one of the only people aware of it. He would be checking on her every day with flowers, cards, presents, yet all she was thinking about is how he used to make her feel, and how it doesnt compare to the downgraded feeling of Edward.

But Edward was safe, predicatable, cushioned. He had the same job, the same voice, the same emotions, the same feelings towards her. Even if she threw his mother out the window, he would remain to be her boyfriend. He was reliable. She wouldnt get her heart broken by him..but was that just because she didnt give him enough of her heart to break?

She thought of Jay..Jay who was in the past. Jay who dumped her. Jay who she spent most of their relationship lieing too. Jay who broke her heart twice, without knowing it...even when she broke up with him, she spent nights crying into her pillow, feeling like something had died, feeling like she needed to grieve. Jay wasnt even a option..why was she even comparing the two...her and Jay were long gone..her and Jay were a bad idea, two opposites, a complete rollercoaster that was constantly on a downer...they only ever seemed to find happiness at the shortest periods of time..

"Charlie?" called out Ruth, stopped in her thoughts as she saw Jays close friend, and one of his only confidants, appear at the reception

"What can I do for you doctor Winters?" Asked Charlie, although he felt he knew. Ruth did not talk to him unless it was about one thing.

"Hows Jay doing?" She asked, her blue eyes wide, glassy almost. She felt terrible, like she had forgotten about him. How could she when all she ever did is play him off agaisnt Edward in her twisted head?

"As well as you can expect" Charlie said, wondering why Ruth had taken so long to ask.. she knew where he was, yet didnt visit. Didnt even bring chocolates, or something to comfort him.

"Is he there on his own?" Ruth asked, hoping that she didnt sound rude

"Yeah, he should be tucked up in bed but hes probably going for a jog round the garden or doing something he shouldnt. Actually I need to get him here later, he isnt having a good reaction to the anti-biotics hes been given, Nick said he had the same problem after a couple of weeks, so to come and get the prescription swapped.." Charlie started, then he realised he was wittering, aswell as releasing information that Ruth didnt need to know, added on top of the fact that he had been talking to Ruth for about 5 minutes now, which looks a bit shifty to the other staff. Specially as they dont even share exchanges of the word "hi"when they pass eachother.

"Oh right..is it ok if I-I visit?" stammered Ruth..it was Charlies home

"He would love that, he is being driven crazy by constantly being alone" Charlie smiled...a visit from Ruth should cheer up Jay no problem!

"Borrow my key actually..I dont want him answering the door" Charlie said, thinking of the fact that Jay could easily go tumbling down the stairs..

Jay heard a key twist in the lock..

"Oh thank god Gramps, is that you..I fell out of bed and stupidly, ive become so damn weak I cant even hoist myself back up on my own!" he said, sounding strained.

He didn't hear a response.

Ruth didnt want to respond, she didnt know what to say "Its not Charlie its Ruth, your favourite person?"

She crossed into the bedroom where she heard the noise from, and was shocked to see Jay covered in his own vomit and blood.

"Ruth?" Asked Jay in shock, trying to wipe around his mouth. The only person who could see him looking like a complete invalid, was Charlie.

"I asked Charlie if I could visit, he lent me a key" She said, although this seemed obvious

"What happened?" she asked, and he sighed..was she just determined to make him more embarassed..he already felt stupid for sitting on the floor with vomit on his t-shirt.

"Needed to get to the bathroom to sort that out.." he started..pointing at his now stained top "I fell out of bed and couldnt get back up" he said with a sigh, and Ruth grabbed him under the arm. His skin tingled at her touch, and she said

"on 3..." and counted.

She gently helped him collapse back onto the bed

"Always messy" she said, with a gentle smirk, and he smiled at her.

"You just had a OCD thing going on with cleaning" Jay retorted

"I just like to be able to walk in my own space!" Ruth said, defending herself

"Theres walking and then theres alphabetizing books and cds" Jay said, forgetting about his appearance..he had needed a conversation like this..mindless banter

"at least I dont run the risk of tripping up on clothes!" Ruth laughed, and Jay grinned

"At least there was always something on offer to wear in the morning" he said slyly, remembering her fondness for his big baggy t-shirts..

"Lets get you cleaned up" Ruth said, kindly. She didnt want to get into the conversation more, she had memories of Jays room. She used to wear his clothes, because they smelt of him, they wrapped her up in the security she had such a desperation for..and now..

She went into the bathroom, and checked her appreance quickly, before fussing around Jay with water, towels and tissues

"im a mess" declared Jay

"so you wont be in work soon?" Ruth asked, trying to push it into Jays head that the idea was impossible.

"I cant stay here forever, im going mad" Jay said darkly

"Do you want another situation where Mr Jordan finds you?" Ruth replied

"Well, no.." he reasoned

"Well please just walk before you start sprinting again..you cant even support your own weight, never mind changing patients, you have to think of them" Ruth said, it was a impassioned speech for her, but she knew the only way of getting through to Jay was using patients..

She threw another shirt at him..

"Change that one" she said, and Jay looked troubled..he knew he was too weak to change properly, thats why he always had shorts and t-shirts on..but lifting them over his head, was always difficult. He kept settling into the habit of getting it stuck round his head, then his arms would hurt, so he left it there.

She sensed the discomfort, and lifted the t-shirt over his head softly, looking at his bare chest. She took in the sight of his bony frame, his prominent ribs, ribs that she had never seen stand out so much before..he had lost weight. He even had some light purple bruising in certain areas. She cut her eyes off from the view, and put the other t-shirt over his head.

"good as new" she said, sounding content, then suddenly Jay grabbed her hand, as a realisation hit him

"Ruth" he began

"Jay..." she replied, looking into his dark brown eyes

"I need you to do something for me" he said, working out if her bright blue eyes looked cold or just a bit upset

"Anything" Ruth replied too quickly, and stroked his hand..she was now more confused then ever...did she have feelings for Jay..after all this time? She cast this thought aside as he carried on looking at her

"Can you take me to the hospital..I need to do something" Jay said sternly, and Ruth knew he was going over whatever plan he had in his head, it obviously wasnt something he wanted to do, but it was something he felt he had to

"Lets get you downstairs" she said, and Jay slipped his fingers through hers, as she helped him get up..he wasnt as bad when he walked, but Ruth still felt the need to place a arm around his back, as he returned the gesture..it felt so perfect...she wanted to know what Jay was upto. She also was trying to battle the fact she was still hopelessly devoted to Jay..alot of feelings had fought their way back to the top of Ruths brain today..Love.


	12. I love the way you lie

**Right, im back, ive slept off most of the jetlag, so im updating again, and it should be more regular, hoping every 2 days!**

**Hope this chapter is ok for you all, keep reviewing it really does mean everything and it really inspires me to write knowing that people are enjoying what im writing!  
much love! **

"Jay, what are you planning on doing?" Ruth asked him, her eyes were still on the road, but her focus was Jay.

"I need to stop hiding" he said, with a sharp, determined tone to his voice, a tone that she had only heard once before.

"your going to tell everyone?" Ruth asked, relieved that they had now stopped at a traffic light, as she was in shock.

"I cant keep the charade anymore. im tired, im ill, and I cant keep doing this to everyone who cares, its not right" Jay said

Ruth was delighted. She had known that one day, he would see sense but she had expected it to be ages away. But now he was preparing to get into the hospital and tell everyone straight away.

Jay looked at her; "you'll be there wont you?" he asked. Jay knew that he was being selfish, that Ruth probably had other plans with Edward..or something surgical to attend, but he just couldnt get rid of that feeling of needing her around, even if it was just a friendly presense.

Ruth looked at her watch. She was meeting Edward later. She felt awful..she didnt even care..she couldnt when Jay was around, that was the problem when she was with Jay, her heart took over, and she hated the loss of control she felt. With Edward she didnt actually love him, so it was impossible to get lost in the feeling of love, and feel that she would do anything for him. She was fully in control with Edward, if not a little bit intimidated by him. With Jay it was different. She could of not washed for 3 weeks and he would still give her a loving hug, kiss the top of her head and make some stupid joke that would create a huge smile on her face. It was the little things. But she had to keep reminding herself...Jay wasnt a option for her anymore, after she had lied, and he seeming-ally had moved on. Not that she had noticed him with a girlfriend or anything, it was just the fact that he was Jay. Before her he was womaniser, flirty, lets go clubbing Jay.

"Of course I will" Ruth said, with a small smile, and Jay touched her hand for a second, and they both looked ahead, both wondering what could be...both thinking the chapter had closed on their relationship..Jay presuming Ruth wanted Edward, Ruth presuming that Jay would never take her back..

Ruth parked in the hospital carpark and turned to face Jay

"What do you want to do?" she asked, and he looked at her

"Lets get in there first" he said, and she shook her head. She was happy that Jay was telling everyone, but she didnt like the fact she would have to hear it again. It was bad enough the first time, when she just saw his body in a hospital bed while Nick and Charlie chattered about his condition, but Jay facing up to it, telling his friends...it meant it was serious, that it was real.

"You look more scared then me" quipped Jay, and Ruth planted the fake smile onto her face

"Not at all, lets get you in" Ruth said, looking at Jay, wondering if he was ready.

"Can you do me a massive favour and sort of..group everyone in the staffroom first..you know just everyone important.."Jay started, and Ruth nodded. She saw Jays face, the little colour it had drained from it...he was nervous.

_  
Ruth was in reception...how was she going to get peoples attention? Nobody even heard her say hello these days..and then

"Mr Jordan!" Ruth practically exclaimed, and rushed over to him

"What can I do for you Dr Winters?" Asked Nick, pleasently.

"I need you to gather everyone in the staffroom now" Ruth said, wishing that she hadnt ran into the hospital now, as she was panting.

"Any particular reason?" Nick replied, with a quizzical raise of his eyebrow

"Its Jay..hes here..hes going to tell people" Ruth said, and waited..Nicks facial expression changed into a small smile, a proud smile, it could even be deemed a respectful smile..

"Good..you go get him and i'll gather people round" Nick said, a new warm tone added to his voice.

Ruth rushed back to the car and opened the door

"God Ruth, heart attack!" Jay said as the door suddenly opened

"Sorry, Nicks gathering everyone.." she begun, and Jay knew it was his que...from the minute he stepped into the hospital, Ruths arm gently placed around his back, he knew that everything was going to be different now..he wasnt going to work, he wasnt going to pretend..he was going to tell people, he was going to get the treatment he needed.

They slowly walked through reception and to the staffroom, and opened the door.

"Jay?" said many members of staff, at different times

"Guys" Jay said, and they all fell silent. It was a rairty, but as soon as they heard the tone of Jays voice, they knew it was going to be something worth listening to.

"I havent been entirely honest with you" he started, and he looked at Ruth, who softly nodded...at Charlie, who gave him a smile..at Nick, who gave him a reassuring nod..they were his support system

"You see, I led you all to believe I was at a funeral, in France, a while back. The truth is-is-is that..yeah well the truth is..." stuttered Jay, and he sighed, and knew he only had one chance to get everybody straight

"Im ill..not a cold, not a broken limb or anything, Its serious..I have cancer" Jay said, and he shook a little as he heard the gasps of shock that ruptured through the room..Zoe had covered her mouth, Tess had wide eyes of disbelief..Mac and Noel were looking plain flabberglasted..their best friend hid that?

"Ive known for a while now..when I was working infact..I was too pig-headed and proud to get help..I worked myself into the ground, and collapsed in the oncall room..if Nick hadnt found me that day, I could of died. He put me on leave, I was never in France..ive been at Charlies the whole time, trying to cure this mess" Jay said, and knew he had to put in a final word

"I would also just like to take this opportunity to apologize to all of you I didn't tell, but if im honest, if my keen bookworm of a doctor didn't alert Mr Jordan, I doubt anyone would of known for quite a while. Sorry for all of this now guys, your free to go back to saving peoples lives...I just wanted to tell you all now, so I could finally accept whats happening to me, myself" Jay said, and the room started to fill with voices, discussing the situation.

"Jay if I had known!" Tess said, coming up to him, throwing her arms around him in upset

"All those times I told you off for heavy drinking, wearing hoodies when it wasnt cold..even having bruises on your arm, bags under your eyes, sick at work and it was all cancer!" She said, in clear distress

"If I were you, I would think I was just a binge drinker who couldnt handle it too" Jay said kindly, and Tess sniffed slightly

"Why didnt you say?" She asked him, and Jay looked at her in the eyes

"Telling your managers makes it real..my plan was for nobody to know, but I blocked it out, missed appointments,..my doctor told Nick, who found me collapsed, who told Charlie and was overheard by Ruth"

"Was that the day-you were in resus. Nick had said you were overtired, run down"

"Dont be upset with him, it was under my instruction" Jay said, and Tess looked at him, and her pager went off

"Look after yourself..theres always a place for you here when your well! Im trusting Charlie to look after you" Tess said, and walked out of the room in sheer disbelief that one of her staff had been carrying around this secret while working

"Mate!" Big Mac exclaimed, as him and Noel edged theirselves over

"Im sorry guys" Jay said, as the two boys pulled their ill best mate into a hug, which he could only return weakly

"Is this why you havent been calling..texting..coming out" Noel asked..it was like slotting a jigsaw together..they just thought Jay had gone off them, was annoyed.

"What do you think!" Jay answered, honestly. There was nothing he would enjoy more then a pint right now, with his lads

"I dont want you two thinking im all weak and ill now, i am going to bounce back!" Jay said, nodding, convicing himself.

"Glad to hear it!" came the voice of Zoe, who gave Jay a small hug, she knew how it felt, the difference between ones own thoughts, and the reality of a situation, and how it fitted into real life..although she couldnt understand how Nick knew for the entire duration of Jays cancer, yet decided against ever telling her. It was patient confidentiality but he was her friend.

Adam came rushing in the staffroom..

"Tess said there was something I needed to know.." Adam said, grinning, and he saw Jay

"Typical..action mans late" Lenny muttered to Yuki, and Jay cracked a smile..at least Lenny was still laughing and joking, instead of heaping on the pity..Yuki probably just didnt know what to say

"Jay!" Adam exclaimed, making his way over

"Where have you been" Adam asked, taking him by the shoulders after letting him out of the embrace Adam had pulled him into

"Well..." Jay started..not knowing if he could start this whole conversation again

"Adam, ive lied to all of you, i havent been travelling anywhere, I have cancer, im going to be out for a while" Jay said with alot of speed to his voice..he still was convincing himself

Adams smile dropped off his face, but quickly got replaced at his need to reassure his friend

"Its going to get better mate, you'll be having pints with us in no time..nothing phases us...we are "fine figures of men"" Adam winked, and Jay laughed

"man hug?" Jay said, and Adam pulled him into a hug..

"take care of yourself mate" Adam said, after letting go, he ruffled Jays hair, patted his back and then let go.

Jay stood in the corner of the room and caught Ruths eye..she was beaming, he had never seen her look so happy, so proud. He started to make his way over..

"Well done mate" came the voice of Charlie, who Jay embraced in a tight hug

"I feel like i have the weight of the world lifted off of my shoulders" Jay smiled, stretching

"So do I" Charlie chuckled

"Aww, gramps didnt you enjoy being mr mysterious with a secret?" Jay asked with a cheeky wink

"In a word, never again" Charlie clarified

"Thats two words" Jay said, patting him on the back as he heard Charlie reply

"Cheeky git"

He went over to find Ruth and stood by her side...she silently took her hand in his and rubbed it loving-ally, she didn't know what came over her, she was overwhelmed..she never thought she would see the day where Jay faced up to everything..he stroked her hand with his fingers and smiled down at her, it was a perfect gesture, it was moving, it was a poignant moment..Ruth seemed to have forgotten Edward..but Edward hadn't forgotten Ruth..

"Have I stopped the party?" Asked Edward, who had appeared behind the two of them unannounced, unheard, and his eyes were focused on his girlfriends hand..a hand which at the moment was entwined with her cancer suffering ex-boyfriends..


	13. And I will try to fix you

**Thanks for the reviews guys! And yeah Babs, I noticed that, the spell checker on my laptop is awful ahha! Thanks for the feedback, keep it coming everyone ;D**

"Ruth" Edward said, harshly. Most people were looking towards the pair now, Jay had slowly slipped his hand out of Ruths and stepped back, knowing full well that whatever was going to happen to Ruth and her boyfriend, was totally his fault.

"Edward" Ruth said, not knowing what else she could say in public..she wasnt a public person, she didnt do the public showdowns..if he wanted to talk, they could go elsewhere.

Ruth found herself not even caring that strongly...she had felt more passion facing through her holding Jays hand then in her whole relationship with Edward. He was so lovely at first, so posh, preened, polite and perfect.

It wasnt that he had annoying habits like Jay did, Edward didnt leave a single sock on the floor, he never talked out of turn, but Edward was a egotistical maniac. He was narcissistic...he just constantly talked about himself, his surgical adventures, his surgical conferences, his surgical friends, his surgical problems. He was argumentative, he constantly challenged Ruth on her friendship with Jay, what was her relationship with Jay...he was grumpy. But Ruth didnt want to end it. She needed someone..she couldnt face being alone anymore, and she wanted to prove she was over Jay, however much desperation that showed.

"My office, 5 minutes" Edward said, in a patronizing tone, as if he was talking to a school student who had done something terrible. Ruths cheeks brightened, and she looked around the room in despair..Jay gave a pleading look to Charlie, who quickly rustled up some conversation, knowing that the silence was the main part of what was making Ruth feel so awkward.

"Im sorry Ruth" Jay said, but she brushed it off

"You have nothing to be sorry for" She said, even though it was completely Jays fault she was in this predicament..it was and it wasn't..he didn't influence the way she felt, not knowingly anyway. He didn't know what was coursing through her head every night of every day, pulling her focus from everything else.

"Jay are you ok?" Asked Lenny, looking into his friends eyes, He knew he was probably interrupting whatever fascinating conversation Jay was having with Ruth, but he was looking seriously pale, shaky almost.

"Im fine mate, fine" Jay said, not sounding too sure. But he couldn't just pipe up saying he had done too much, since when did standing up make him weaker. Not that he would know, being imprisoned in a bed day after day for weeks. Standing up was a strange feeling

"You sure?" Lenny asked, and he looked at Ruth, who was also looking at Jay with a questioning glare

"Im fine guys, im not exactly going to look like am I?" Jay said, exasperated, and Lenny decided to let it go, and walk towards Yuki, who was holding a tea for him/

"Ruth its my fault your in this situation, lets be honest" Jay said, stepping towards her again, their eyes connecting

"What situation?" she asked, breaking the contact and gazing out the window

"You know what" he replied, and she did know..she wanted to talk to Jay, but not here, not now. She was not being one of those girls who held their private conversations everywhere..she did not want to be a object of gossip, more then necessary. She was guessing that everyone was already laughing about what happened with Edward earlier, she did not need to add insult to injury.

Jay suddenly put a hand on Ruth's shoulder, to support himself

"Jay, are you sure your feeling ok?" Ruth asked him, clearly concerned as she helped support his weight, as he threw a hand over his face

"Just a little bit dizzy thats all, probably dehydrated" Jay replied, before promptly collapsing at her feet

"Woah woah, Jay man!" Lenny exclaimed, silencing the room and bending down, tapping his figure

"Im fine, just a little too excitement for one day" Jay said, through his teeth. He did not appreciate how weak he was now, since when did anyone faint after 1 hours standing up..it didn't use up that much energy, and now he had completely humiliated himself in front of everyone he cared about.

"Come with me, get some water" Ruth said, letting him use her to steady him up

"You need to meet Edward" Jay retorted

"I will see him later" Ruth decided, putting her priorities into place

"Right" Jay said, knowing that Ruth was stubborn, so putting up a fight, on the contrary, was a pretty stupid idea.

Ruth entered Edwards office half an hour later, knowing what this conversation was going to be. It was going to be the inevitable break up.

The truth was, she was using Edward to pretend to the world she was over Jay, and Edward was bored of being second best.

"I said 10 minutes" snapped Edward, as he closed the door

"S-sorry, Jay fainted" Ruth said, and realised naming Jay this early in the conversation, was a mistake

"How did I know" Edward responded, clearly annoyed, rolling his eyes

"Hes got cancer!" Ruth replied, in disbelief that Edward was rolling his eyes

"Yeah and don't we know it, Ruth he had support elsewhere, he does not need you!" Edward said, looking into her blue eyes, trying to catch her out. That would require Ruth to care

"He is my friend" Ruth stated

"We both know you don't think of him that way" Edward replied

"What?" Ruth said, even though she knew...maybe she just wanted it confirmed

"You've been using me to get over him. Ive known from the start, from when I went out with you and one of my friends told me of your epic love story with a nurse. I put it aside, treated you, thought that maybe a little luxury would get you to stop thinking of economy, but clearly, its not worked" Edward said.

"Its not like that" Ruth tried...but she knew as well as Edward did, that it was like that

"I think we should just call a day on this" Edward stated, and Ruth looked at him

"Im sorry" she said, shortly, she didn't know what else she could say

Edward curtly nodded at her, and stood up to open the door

"Good luck, Doctor Winters..hope Staff Nurse Faldren makes a full recovery" He said coldly, as she exited his office, for the last time. She didn't know what to do, what to say. Should she find Jay, Would he still be in the hospital after fainting? What did she want to say? Did she want to get back together, did he even feel the same?

"Charlie!" Ruth said, sounding slightly more energetic then usual

"Hes in the on call room having a lie down, hes coming with me after my shift" Charlie said weakly, he didn't understand what was going on between Ruth and Jay, so directing her to him would be the ideal way to end the pointless "how are you" conversation he would of probably sat through.

"Thanks" Ruth replied, with a small smile, which Charlie returned. He knew by her face there was some sort of reunion on the cards. He just sincerely hoped that Jays heart wasnt going to get broken again.

She headed towards the on call room, her heart was racing and she had no idea why. What were her words going to be

She opened the door without a knock, where she laughed to see Jay sitting up

"Always rebelling aren't you" she said, a smile playing across her lips

"Thats me ninja girl" he said, patting the space next to him, she sat down

They both looked forward, it was easier to talk that way..looking at the wall instead of eachother, so they couldnt see the others reaction.

"Whats up?" Jay asked, blankly

"Edward and I broke up" Ruth admitted

"Oh Edward and I? Well I always thought he was a bit of a posh git to be honest" Jay said, and Ruth snorted

"You would" she said, knowing that Jay didn't have a particular fondness for Edward

"So why did you break up?" Jay probed

"Well..." she started...to tell the truth.._just look at the wall_ she thought, and started again

"Edward seemed to believe I was using him to pretend I was over you when I was clearly still in love with you" Ruth said, as if it was a fact from the bible, and she was just relaying it to him.

"Woah..so..is it true?" Jay asked, unable to believe the amount of information that he was getting..Ruth was usually a 1 word answer kind of girl..thats what he was expecting..not a sentence practically declaring her love..or that might of been over-analysing..she never said it was true..she hadn't even responded yet.

"Yes" she said, in barely a whisper.

"Ive been pretending all this time. that its ok. that I don't love you anymore. Ive tried Jay I really have" she said, but Jay silenced her

"I tried aswell. Then I got the news..sort of got a new focus. Thats why I didn't tell you..I loved you, I thought you loved Edward, I felt like a prize prat for not moving on" Jay admitted, and Ruth turned to face him

"What should we do" she asked

"Wait..I'm not dragging you into this mess..ive already dragged Charlie down with me" Jay hesitated

"Jay, its not being dragged if i'm willing to go. and its not a mess, its a illness, which your facing up to. You cant get through without the support of your friends, even if you think now you can" Ruth said, taking his hand tenderly..it was their signal

"3rd time lucky" Jay joked, and Ruth nodded and stroked his hand, as he squeezed hers..she was going to help him through this..she was going to make sure he didn't spend every day thinking about it. She was going to be his rock, for the very first time.


	14. Another way to fall

**Babs we are far from over no worries in that department!**

Ruth smiled as she saw Jay finally sleeping in the on call room. He was sleeping. Jay never slept, he just sat awake and irritated the person he was with into sleeping first so he didn't get watched.

He looked so knackered after they had held hands and confirmed their relationship for the 3rd time, although she could tell by the smile sitting on his face that it was a welcome distraction to make him happy.

One thing was troubling her...he never looked peaceful anymore. He never looked content.

Then she remembered the big C. Something that she had so carelessly forgotten, caught up in the fireworks that had exploded when she had taken hold of his hand again.

She closed the door quietly on her way out, trying to keep the smile she so desperately wanted to share with the world under wraps.

"Ruth?" asked Charlie, who was approaching the room, he remembered her going in around a hour ago, she had just come out?

"Hes asleep" Ruth said, quietly, as if he could still hear

"Ah"

"I have a late shift, I'll bring him back to you once im done yeah?" Ruth said, Charlie nodded...he wasnt used to this much commitment from Ruth, let alone this much speech from Ruth. He was guessing whatever differences the pair had had, they had resolved their issues finally

"I may be sticking my nose out a bit here but you two..." Charlie began, but Ruth smiled, uncharacteristically...Charlie was not sure if this scared him more or less

"Together" she said, curtly, before heading off.

Jay woke up, his head pounding..not a unatural feeling these days. Then he remembered. Ruth..him and Ruth..a reunion. Him and Ruth were together..he was with her, she was with him.

As much as he wanted to sit and daydream about himself and Ruth all day, he had more pressing issues. Such as his treatment, which left little to the imagination

"Chemo?" Jay had asked his doctor, who nodded at him

"Is it the only way?" Jay had pressed

"Yes, its the way thats helped most patients regain their strength, and cure the disease completely...they kill or damage the cancer cells, which is ideal" the doctor explained, and Jay sighed

"I know that, but the side effects are horrific aren't they?" Jay questioned

"Not anything more hideous then the disease itself" said the doctor, wisely

"What are we looking at?" Jay asked

"Hair loss, Nausea, Bowel Disfunctions, Tiredness..."

"Your leaving something out" Jay said, knowing the doctor well enough to know that he was leaving the worst point until last

"This treatment may be a factor in future infertility" the doctor said, looking into Jays eyes as he said this, and realising Jays whole world had shattered

No kids..Jay had never really thought about kids..it was every boys dream to be a father, but Jay had never met the right girl..now he had Ruth.

She had got rid of his baby...he could not live knowing that the only chance of having a baby would be through adoption, when there was a perfectly healthy baby of his that was growing inside of Ruth.

He went back to the conversation with the doctor

"and what happens if I don't do it" Jay asked

"your risk factor goes up, your life expectancy goes down. it would be foolish not to Jay, your young, you have a whole life ahead of you" said the doctor, crossing his arms

"what If I want a child" Jay said, knowing how annoying it must be for his doctor, constantly explaining things like this

"it might not necessarily even make you infertile, it might" the doctor said

"I cant risk that" Jay had said, walking out of the room.

He sat in the oncall room, hugging his knees to his chest, wondering what Ruth was doing now..when she left him she believed him to be asleep...but he was waiting for the meeting, for that alarm clock inside him to tick over and over again.

He wanted advice.

He never told his family about his cancer..he didn't want or need their fuss and attention, specially when they were all at crucial points in their life.

Ruth would tell him not to be a idiot, she would blame herself

Charlie would tell him to stop being a wet blanket

Nick would..well he couldn't predict Nick...those three were the only ones he could ask and get a reasonable answer out of.

Jay laid his head back down, ready to sleep..he had made up his mind. One day he wanted a family with Ruth..if refusing treatment was the way to go, he would go that way. Ruth didn't need to know, nor did Charlie or Nick. The less Nick the better. As a person who had a personal experience, Nick would kno the stages of treatment, and he would be aware of the fact they should of already started on Jay, so he was the one holding it off.

Jay felt he was doing nothing wrong..it was true, one day he did want a family with Ruth...but would be alive to tell the tale?


	15. Somethings not quite adding up

**Thank you for all your reviews guys, im hoping to try and get some people over so if you like the story, tell your casualty-loving friends to check it out!  
Sort of two chapters in a row, sorry I havent updated lately, I was waiting on a review, dedications to Lisa, who reviewed for me, thank you! :)**

**xoxo**

Jay rolled over in the bed he was staying at in Charlies...he could barely remember yesterday..he just remembered Ruth tenderly tapping him, telling him he needed to go home with her, and she guided him softly to her car, and drove him home. Charlie was there to recieve him at the door, and pile him in bed.

She kissed his cheek at the door, and he softly let go of her hand..it was time to go home...

He woke up with a start...he was almost in a cold sweat, dreaming about everything

"Hey champ" Charlie said, revealing himself to be waiting at the door with a cuppa

"Gramps" Jay said weakly, heaving himself up

"did you make it to the appointment yesterday?" Charlie asked, and Jay panicked...he didn't run through what web of lies he was going to weave next..but he could not mention chemo, he did not need Charlie getting wind of his lies and telling Nick. He knew Charlie and Ruth could attempt to make him take action...but Nick, he would...Nick wouldnt try and guard him anymore, he was looking out for his health

"yeah" Jay said, trying his best to sound distant, so Charlie would not try and question him further

"so when does your chemo start?" Charlie asked, and Jay sighed...that could not be a more awkward question

"not yet, they need to run more tests" Jay snapped back, he didnt know what to say, and his answer sounded very suspicious.

"Oh, right..thats odd..maybe I'll ask Nick about it" Charlie said, talking more to himself then to Jay

"No dont" Jay said, a underlaying tone of desperation visible in his voice. Charlie frowned at him

"I mean you dont, you shouldnt bring up bad memorys for the man, hes only just fought off the brain tumour!" Jay said, inserting a hollow laugh and hoping it would bring Gramps firmly back on side.

"Right, yeah" Charlie said loftily, he was too tired to remain suspicious of Jay, and what for anyway?

"So what are you getting done?" Charlie asked

"Just got to remain on the meds and hope its enough" Jay smiled, trying to encourage Charlie, make him think things were getting better. Maybe if Charlie adopted this attitude, Jay could ignore what was going on in his body and think he was getting better, even though it was set to get worse. But Charlies optimism would get him through anything.

"So you and Ruth?" Charlie said with a wink,and Jay was glad of the subject change, it was becoming very uncomfortable

"How did I know that was going to come up?" Jay said

"Well, I saw her enter the on call room with you and not come out for ages" Charlie said

"We got back together ok gramps" Jay said, tiredly

"Finally, what the whole departments been waiting for" Charlie noticed Jays stifled yawn

"Off to bed pipsqueak, go" Charlie said, and Jay laughed

"You wish gramps" he said, casually, slowly walking upstairs, looking back at Charlie, who had started pottering around the kitchen.

Charlie was like a father to him, yet all Jay was doing was causing him pain by lieing, trying to get out of things. Charlie had had enough grief last year when his best friend, Megan had had cancer, and ended up dieing, and he, for his own selfish reasons, was letting himself worsen, but letting Charlie believe that everything was going to be just peachy? Charlie would be mortified if he found out Jay was refusing Chemo, just so he could have children. He wouldnt be strong enough to be able to have children at the moment anyway, he couldn't.

What if he had to carry on lieing, live through lies, what if Charlie told people, and he had to keep weaving the web, deeper and deeper until he didnt even understand what was real anymore..he needed a serious reality check...is that how he wanted to live?

What if everyone turned on him when he lied...Charlie and Ruth, and even Nick, his support system, what if they told him to stuff it.

He knew deep down that nobody would tell him to stuff it, he would be chasitised for lieing, told he was being stupid for thinking he knew best, and being somewhat stupidly noble, but they wouldn't try and cut ties with him.

Jay rolled around in his bed, he did not know what to do.

It broke him apart having to not tell Charlie the truth, specially when he had been so supportive towards Jay, put a roof over his head so he did not have to remain in the hospital, offer him practically full time care, and this, in the wake of what happened with Megan, was a spectacular gesture from Charlie. If it wasn't for Charlie, he would still be alone, in the hospital, not even thinking about needing to be untruthful, because he wouldn't of had anyone to care for him.

"Oh for gods..." Jay started, as he started vomiting, violently, around the bed, he did not have the strength to get up, he couldn't..and for once, Charlie was out like a light, he was not waking him up with the feeble complaint "im being sick"

But the noise of violent retching brought Charlie in on impulse, he rushed towards the bucket which had been stupidly placed on the other side of the room

"Come on, in here mate, in here" Charlie said, giving Jay a encouraging pat on the back

"Whens it gonna stop?" Jay asked, lieing on his back weakly, as Charlie cleaned up the sick around him

"Im so sorry for all of that, I should be cleaning it"

"Nonsense Jay, its not your fault, your ill" Charlie pointed out, and Jay tried to blink back a tear. He felt weak constantly, but there were only a few occasions where he honestly felt like death warmed up, like he didn't want to go on.

"Try and sleep" Charlie warned, handing Jay a glass of water with a wink. As soon as Jay downed the glass, he knew Charlie had put something in it to aid his rest..his head hit the pillow almost straight away.

Charlie yawned his way through his shift, prefering to stick to minor cases so he wasnt a hindrance for the big ones. Unfortunately, Nick Jordan caught him on a yawning break

"Charlie, rough night?" Nick asked with interest

"Nick can we go to your office quickly?" Charlie asked,

"Sure" Nick said, curtly nodding and doing a U turn, motioning for Charlie to follow him.

"Sit down" Nick requested, once they got into the office, and Charlie had carefully shut the door..he did not want this to be a overheard conversation

Charlie refrained from sitting down, it felt a little bit too comfortable, but this was not a comfortable, pleasant conversation.

"Whats the problem Charlie?" Nick asked, a look of curiosity crossing his features

"I think Jays getting worse" Charlie admitted, frowning

"What makes you say this?" asked Nick, when he had last spoken to Jay, he was confident he was making a full recovery, as was Ruth as it seemed.

"He was getting a bit worse before the meeting, and apparently since the meeting hes had his drugs switched, but hes been waking up in the night, being violently sick, nose bleeds, all over the show" Charlie said, venting his frustration at the situation

"Has he not been offered chemotherapy?" Nick asked, sounding surprised..it was the perfect treatment for someone in Jays condition..

"I asked him the same question, he said no, not yet they were doing more tests" Charlie said, and it was as if pieces of the puzzle were being put together

"I think Jays already been asked, but for some reason has decided to refuse the treatment" Nick queried...the more that he thought of it, the more it sounded like something Jay would do..

"What would be the reasoning behind that, all he wants is to get better..if chemo is his best chance"

"The consequences of chemo can be dire" Nick began

"But Jay would not let this block him, surely"

"Surely" Nick repeated, convincing himself

"Im going to trust Jay this once, he would not block his own progress, hes not stupid"

"your right Charlie" Nick replied, and Charlie understood that the conversation, which admittedly had not reached any great heights, was over.

Nick twisted his pen in his hand and tried to think of things about chemo that Jay would refuse to do.

He knew that Jay would of been offered, it was the easiest way to thwart the type of cancer Jay had, they would not of used an excuse of needing more tests, there was absolutely no way. Jay could pull the wool over Charlies eyes, but not his.

- Hair Loss...anyone could grow some hair back, Jay was vain but not on that level

- Constant tiredness...Jay was always tired anyway, it would be a pathetic reason, there was no way, Nick would bet his whole life on it

- Nausea...well from the sounds of it, Jay was being sick most of the time anyway

Bowel disfuncitions...admittedly they were uncomfortable and unpleasant, but its not enough, its not a strong enough motive for this man.

Then Nick realised..the bombshell, the deciding factor for most people

-Infertility... Jay the family man..the family man who had just got back with the woman that he considered as the love of his life, the one he would risk anything for.

If Nick had his facts in the right place, Jay was risking more then a arm, a leg or his sanity for the opportunity to have children...he was risking his life.


	16. The spacemans got everybody watching

**Thank you for reviews. Another 2 chapters worth.**

**Dedications to Lisa, my new and very loyal reviewer! Lets try and get some fans back with this one, people are loosing interest!**

**xoxo**

Jay sat up in his bed, he was so tired, restless almost, he just wanted it all to be done now.

You couldnt switch off Cancer though, it wasnt something that you could just take some pills and it would vanish. He had tried. He had tried to keep it up, pretend he was getting better, he was hiding the fact that he was sick on the hour every day, and had nosebleeds more often then he didnt. He was constantly tired, and wore very baggy clothes to get rid of the signs of bruising and weightloss.

He was ok once Ruth was with him, he was safe, he had a reason to go on.

Ruth had come round to him, she hated seeing him like this but she loved him. It wasnt just her comparing him to her ex, Edward, it was her genuine feeling that she would be at a bitter loss if he ever left her.

She had always been controlling the relationship with Edward, and her feelings about him. With Jay it was different, scary, unpredictable. she loved him, more then words could say. The pain in his eyes when her and Edward had stepped into the E.D. had eaten away at her for days, and then she started not to worry because he was never in when she was. She thought he was avoiding her. But then she found ut she had cancer.

"Jay" She said, with a soft smile, Charlie nodded at the two and left the room, it was good for his young friend to have some different company, he wasnt getting much these days. He refused visits from anyone apart from him and Ruth, because he hated being vunerable or weak.

He hated having people dress him, get him food, drinks, tidy up after him, mop the blood from around his nose everytime it came out like a rebellious tap.

They were sitting down, his head leant on her shoulder, as he sat up and swore slightly, at the sight of yet another nosebleed. Ruth sighed.

"Surely your treatment should be making symptoms better, not worse"

"it makes the sickness better" Jay argued, in a weak voice

"thats why you spend most nights puking right?" Ruth asked, sarcastically

"the doctors know what they are doing Ruth" Jay said, in the _Ruth, relax _ tone he had set out just for her

"I want to see them" she said, holding her head up

"Rutth, these are specilaists, your not going to know more then them!" Jay said in a exasperated voice, which she also swore was laced with panic

"I could tell them to start your chemo"

"I told you they said its not a strong enough cancer to need chemo" Jay said, and he sighed as his girlfriends eyebrows raised, and then his shoulder went down as he spied the defeated expression on her face, she was satisfied that there was nothing that could be done, nothing she could of done anyway.

"I wish this could end" Jay said complacently, as he leant on Ruths shoulder. He hated living every moment of his life in pain. and the worst thing was, that he wasn't being good to himself. How did it ever benefit him, not doing chemo. It technically was not even for Ruth, she had no idea. That was the problem.

There was a rippling bang on the door as Charlie answered the door

"Nick, its late" Charlie said, stepping back to let him in, with a look of confusion on his face

"I need to talk to Jay, now" Nick demanded, he looked angry

"But-" Charlie started, about to explain that he was relaxing for once

"Now" Nick said, like a powerhouse.

Charlie appeared round the doorway

"Jordan here for you, take upstairs" he said to Jay, who groaned and shuffled to the hallway very slowly

Charlie settled next to Ruth

"this is awkward" he said, and chuckled at himself. Ruths stony glare did not change. Why did Jordan need Jay?

"I think you know what this is about" Nick questioned the pale form in front of him

"No, not really" Jay said, weakly

"Your treatment..or dare I say..lack of" Nick said, and Jay shook his head

"What are you talking about?" Jay asked, deciding that he could use the doe eyed "what are you talking about" card

"Chemo should of started weeks ago"

"bad delays" reasoned Jay

"Chemotherapy is not a train that arrives late Jay, they give you times, places, and information" Nick said, speaking of his own experience

"Our conditions are different" snarled Jay

"they will be when your in a box under my feet" Nick said, harshly

"So because its delayed im going to die, cheers Nick" Jay said, gripping onto the bedpost with all his might

"but its not delayed is it?" barked Nick, and Jay shuddered

"Wha-" he started, but Nick impatiently wavered a hand in front of his face

"Charlie seemed concerned you werent doing it...but he swallowed what you said, he trusted you. Im not that naive, you forget ive been there, done that, so I researched. I asked your doctors why they had decided not to offer it to you..but they faltered, they insisted they did, but you refused. You basically, are killing yourself knowingly Jay" Nick said, with a definite angry tone

"They are wrong" Jay said, a bit more softly, knowing this final blow had knocked him for six

"Ruth doesnt care about children" Nick said, in a very soft tone of voice

"When was this about Ruth and kids?" Jay asked, shocked that Nick knew this..how..

"I have had patients who thought their stupid death-defying actions made them noble partners too...I can read your mind like a book Jay" Nick said, nastily

"Im not doing anything wrong" Jay hissed, and coughed. Blood appeared on his hand

"Not going to wipe that?" asked Nick

"Whats the point, I will get more soon anyway" frowned Jay

"So get chemo Jay"

"NO" Jay said

"There are so many people who beat this, but also so many who cant Jay, so stop being a complete arrogant idiot for five minutes and stop rejecting treatment" shouted Nick, he had not realised he was shouting at the time. Very loudly.

It had almost made the room shake.

Nick sighed

"That was not fair" Jay said, angrily

"they needed to know, it was not a good way for them to find out no, but maybe one of your loved ones can convince you out of this utter farce your making of your life" Nick snarled, and walked off with the essence of one delivering bad news

Jay knew the next talk, was going to be the worst

"I trusted you" Charlie said, standing with his arms crossed

"Jay" Ruth said, her eyes glazing over...but he knew that glare, she was restraining herself from any emotion..so she was devoid. He could not read her expression anymore, apart from the harsh look he was recieving from both.


	17. Makes me wanna die

**Thanks for everything guys, so glad to know your still into the story, im trying to keep it exciting for everyone!**

**this latest twist may not be hugely realistic, but im going for drama!**

"Jay" Charlie said slowly, as the situation played out in front of Jays eyes.

In the last five minutes, everything had imploded.

Nick had shouted, Ruth and Charlie had heard. Ruth and Charlie..the two people he was trying to protect. But at the same time the two people he never wanted to lie to or hurt. He was at a complete loss.

Everytime he opened his mouth, nothing came out, his throat was dry, he had nothing to comphrhend his actions.

So the best thing to do..was run.

he had the £50 he was going to use to pay the pizza money back to Ruth in his pocket..and he needed to escape.

The doorway was clear

Jay ran through it, into the hallway, thundering down the stairs, through the front door, without any thoughts and straight into the night, clutching at the stitch in his side, knowing there was no going back anymore, knowing that he had royally screwed over the two people that cared, knowing they would not forgive him.

He collapsed on the side of a road, holding his head, praying that something would make his life better, something would help him. He had no options anymore, none that he could think of.

He was weak, he was friendless, Ruth would probably finish everything up, and the cancer was worse then ever.

CRAP..Jay suddenly thought. he had left his medication..he needed that stuff, it was the only thing that stopped some of the symptoms from killing him. But he could not go back now, he did not want the cold shoulder.

He shivered in the cold, and tried in vain to rub his arms, but they were now so skinny they had no insulation, he had no chance agaisnt the weather.

Ruth and Charlie stood in the room, realising that Jay had rushed past them

"Hes probably just downstairs figuring things out" Charlie said calmly, placing a arm on Ruths shoulder, but she wasnt so sure. She saw the look of urgency that crossed his pale features when he was being questioned...he was not dashing just to go and sit on the sofa and feel sorry for himself. She saw the look..the one she had never seen in his eyes before. Panic, it almost seemed like he was needing to get away, like something had exploded. She had never seen him like that.

She went downstairs, and gasped as she saw the door wide open. The gasp was not unheard by Charlie

"Ruth..is he ok?" asked Charlie arriving down the stairs halfway

"Ruth, shut the door he'll catch the death of cold!" Charlie said to her, and she turned over, looking at him in disbelief

"Charlie..hes gone" she said, trying her best not to crack up and cry, as Charlie looked into the darkness, with a new look of worry.

"He would not do that..he was upset but he has common sense, he knows his condition" Charlie said, talking more to himself then Ruth, trying to convince himself

He looked in the lounge, in the toliet, the kitchen...the

Charlie swore loudly

"Charlie?" Ruth asked, following him into the kitchen, the awkwardness between them lost in their joint worried state about Jay. It was not like Charlie to swear, something was wrong

"Wherever Jays gone, he didn't include his medication in his belongings" Charlie said, with a sigh worthy of Adam

"He needs it..hes even more vunerable without it" Ruth started, robotically, starting to turn her feelings off

"I bloody well know that Ruth!" Charlie snapped, then whipped around to look at Ruths face, the cold look she had tried to adopt, the cover she had tried to take, blown

"Im sorry" he said to her, more calmly

"Right, before we do anything stupid, we need to think. If hes escaping you and me, he will go to someone...who.." Charlie said, again more talking to himself, but he had a more helpful tone to his voice

"Ruth, take the house phone, ring Adam, Nick, Mac, Noel, and i'll get the rest" Charlie said, at Ruth nodded silently at this authoritative figure, who had made her think everything was ok

Ruth sat in the lounge and started to dial, she chose Nick first, Jay could of had it out with him, who knows.

"Hello Nick Jordan speaking"

"Hi its Ruth" Ruth said nervously into the phone

"Im sorry about tonight but.." Nick started, but Ruth cut into his sentence

"is he with you?" she asked, shaking slightly at the seriousness of the situation

"no, why would he be" Nick asked,

"he ran out and nobody knows where he is" she said...when she said it in speech, it made her feel like crying, dieing inside, but she had to keep the wall up, specially to Nick.

"oh.." Nick said, knowing that this was fully well his fault..but it was also Jays..if he hadnt been foolish..

"Just call me if you see him" Ruth snapped, knowing that Nick obivously had nothing else to say.

A few calls later, and she was none the wiser. Adam had panicked, and after Ruth filled him in, Adam relaxed her slightly by saying he would probably be feeling overwhelmed and just needed to run things over in his own head, and he would do the same

Mac spouted something about Jay "drowing his sorrows" but Ruth knew Jay better then his drinking buddys, even Jay was not dumb enough to use the pub

Noel had said that he was not in the ED, and he had promised to keep making calls..he was the only one who was being sensible about the whole thing.

She wandered into the kitchen, where she heard Charlie in a conversation with Tess, seemingly trying to reassure her that Jay would return to his senses and his safety soon

"If anything happens your the first to know" Charlie said softly,and hung the phone up

"Nothing?" he said, looking into Ruths wide eyes

"nothing" she repeated, knowing that she would be greeted with the same answer.

**Next chapter tomorrow guys, review and recommend ;D**


	18. Effectively dreaming anothers story

**Cheers for the reviews! Keep them coming guys!  
**

Jay was asleep on a bench..covered in..NEWSPAPERS..for the second night, he had barely survived the first..he had sunk so low. He was trying to convince himself he was warm but he wasnt. He also tried to convince himself he had everybody he needed around him. All he did in fact have, were a couple of stray sea gulls and a bloody annoying cat, who decided it would be fun to jump on him everytime he was actually in a favourable position. He wiped his sopping nose on newspapers, threw up on the composted grass around him. He shook and shook until he felt painstakingly numb.

Why he was now living like a tramp, he really did not know, it was not good, for his health or his friends. He did not have any friends anymore though. If he was Charlie, he would hate his own guts, He was a liar. Who wanted to assosiate with that.

He would of stayed to explain but he was honestly at a loss of what to say..what could he say..."Im giving up chemo to have Ruth's babies"..that was pathetic..even Ruth would sigh at how stupid it sounded.

The following night, A storm started to rage outside and Charlie and Ruth looked at eachother with the same sentiments..what if he was out there in the rain

"He needs his meds" Charlie said, rocking back and forth in his chair, at a absolute loss over what to do..what could he do..he did not know where Jay was.

"He can survive, he always does" Ruth snapped, trying her best to convince herself, and Charlie nodded. It was like safety in numbers..he knew it wasn't true, but it had a element of truth now because Ruth said it, and she was always right..always.

Scrap that, she was not always right.

But Jay at the moment, always seemed to be hideously wrong. He would build his faith in Jay but Jay had been seeing the world through misery-specs lately. Always believing everyone hated him, Charlie had started to believe paranoia was a side effect..Jay always tried to help others, even if it meant killing himself. He did not want to be a burden, he saw himself as a burden, he did not want to be a charity case, Charlie understood..but he needed Jay to come home and just be in a warm, safe environment..he didn't even care about the lies, that was another tale, for another day, it was a explanation that wasn't required now. but he needed Jay home, more then ever. He could not lay himself to rest without knowing Jay was safe

Nick Jordan was driving around in the night... he did not know why, he needed to clear his head. granted it was 3.00am, but it had been a eventful day..he had woken up wondering why he had shouted at Jay and effectively caused this...he knew it was not the right thing to do, but it was in the heat of the moment..Jay needed to stop trying to be so selfless and actually focus on his own needs for once, so he did not die a awful, hideous death.

His mercedes cruised along the road smoothly as Nick tried to replenish himself, he tried to think where to go, he did not know, he just needed a drive to clear his head.

Nick found himself stopping by a park he had gone to when he found out he had the cancer in his brain. He remembered the way he had looked across the river, from the bench, and he had seen fathers and their kids, mothers and their kids, small families, and thats when he had completely been broken down. He had believed he would never have that, ever. No kids, no wife, no love..just a brain tumour killing him slowly. He had sat on the bench, cried a little even. He had raged, he had paced around like there was nothing else to do. Then he caught his reflection in the river..a pathetic man, a weak man, a man who was giving the cancer the reaction it wanted. Angst, hurt, and pressing the self destruct button.

Nick found his river, and looked longinly at it, he wondered where Jay had gone when he first found out about the cancer, and what he had thought..although Nick thought he knew.

He turned around to occupy his bench, but to his shock and immediate surprise, there was a pale, drawn, thin figure sleeping there, surrounded by blood, vomit, and alot of newspaper and water bottles..it was such a horrific sight for such a beautiful location.

A beautiful disaster some might call it.

Nick knew the identity of the person even though his head was placed under a well-placed newspaper..Jay had been found..he had called out above for help and Nick had been sent..


	19. Watching you breathe, for the last time

**_Thanks for all the feedback guys, another chapter for you! Keep reviewing, much love! xx_**

Nick had no clue how to address this situation, but it must of been fate.

Jay, in the same place as him when he was in a predicament...but he needed to approach it calmly.

Jay looked sunken,more then usual, Charlie had informed him that Jay had scarpered without his medication, and Nick just knew how problematic that could be.

Should he wake him up or let him sleep...

He decided that to wake up Jay was the more appropriate thing to do, he was ill after all, Nick had been forgetting the main thing, he had cancer..he needed to get him to full strength.

"Jay.." Nick said softly, and Jay stirred slightly

"Nick..woahh..what?" Jay said, flailing around and trying to get up, and Nick saw more of his face. His face that looked like it had met someones fist, but Nicks knew it was just the nose bleeds going over his face, he was unkept, unshaven, and looked worse then he had ever seen him.

"Relax" Nick said calmly, putting a casual, uncharacteristically soft hand on Jays arm, trying to relax him, so he didn't stress out.

"How can i do that" Jay asked, knowing his alone time was offically over.

"Come back with me"

"I cant" Jay said, the wind whipping across his face, which was full of angst

"you can, you just wont, your being stubborn" Nick said, seeing a uncanny resemblance to himself

"you dont understand Nick, the cat is out the bag mate, I cant explain to those two anymore" Jay said, running a hand through his hair

Nick understood "those two" to be a reference to Charlie and Ruth, his beloved

"You can explain anything, they will understand"

"what will they understand Nick, the fact im acting like a compulsive liar to "protect" them..they are not going to think im doing that they are going to think im a arrogant idiot and you know it" Jay replied, his head now buried in his hands

"When I didn't tell Zoe the truth, it was the worst decision of my life" Nick said, and Jay looked up

"But you didnt tell her you were having treatment when you weren't Nick, im not proud of it" Jay said, and his voice was thick. He was so broken. Nick assumed he was in tears. Nick also knew it was not his style to confront Jay, so he just talked on, knowing this would be what was expected.

"Why wont you have treatment?" Nick pressed on

"I want children" Jay said, mournfully

"What, now?" Nick asked

"Not now, thats why I cant take any action apart from not doing it" Jay said, it was all whirling round in his head, different things he was saying, doing, and how some of it wasn't adding up.

"So you would rather die" Nick said, harshly

"I wont die" Jay snapped, through tears

"Jay, your not action man" Nick sniped, and he carried on

"Your not going to have the condition any better just because you think you are, your not going to have years Jay, your going to have months, weeks probably seeing as your not looking after yourself...who with cancer runs away into the night without their medication. A bloody idiot Jay thats who" Nick continued

"I KNOW" Jay shouted, and Nick was suddenly shocked..Jays voice had been quite mellow and quiet until then

He stood up, and looked at Nick... "Do you not think I know how pathetic this is! Sleeping in my own blood and vomit, coughing up my own blood, having a newspaper as a duvet, lying to everyone, not having my pills...I know im being a thick git Nick, I do not need your sorrow to point it out to me alright, enough of this heart to heart because you have got all you need out of the freakshow for one night" Jay said, as angrily as he could manage, while Nick looked at him and grimiaced...he should not of snapped..it was aggrivating Jay

"Jay.." Nick started

"No Nick, you go, and im going to sleep the same place ive been sleeping for a while now. Ive got water, thats enough, so live your own life, yeah?" Jay said, stepping back towards the vomit covered bench, back into his hell

"im not leaving without you" Nick said, icily

"well sorry mate theres only 1 bench" Jay said, harshly, and Nick looked at him

"Jay, just go get cleaned up, why are you determined to harm yourself further" Nick asked

"Im not, now leave it" Jay said, before having a coughing fit, and laying down on the bench.

"Sit and watch then..great..its like being in a circus" Jay said, aware that Nick was watching him, and he fell into a deep sleep.

Oh great..a snorer..Nick thought, as he started to clear the area around Jay,

4 hours later, the snores stopped..and Jay started coughing, loudly, violently

"JAY?" shouted Nick, running over from the bin, to find Jay sleeping again..but there was something different.

There was no snore..his chest wasn't rising up and down in a swift movement...there was nothing


	20. Pulling me in, just like Gravity

**Thanks for everything guys, lets get upto 40 reviews so I have at least 2 reviews per chapter! :D Bit of a different thing going on this time, with the dream sequence and all..**

"Jay.." Nick spoke fearfully

"JAY!" he shouted again, and then he looked around the deserted park and put his medical hat on.

"Ambulance please" Nick said into this phone, as he made a emergency call.

He held Jays head, he wasn't dead, he couldn't be, he would not do this to him, to Ruth, to his family, wherever they were

"Come on Jay" Nick said into his ear, knowing that if Jay was alive, Nick was not his favourite person.

Finally, the ambulance rolled around, and through the sheer irony of the whole situation, Jeff and Dixie jumped out the ambulance

"Nick? Are you ok!" Jeff asked, rubbing his bald head while running towards him

"Its not me...its Jay" Nick said, motioning to the persons head he had supported for the last quarter of an hour

"You found him?" Dixie asked, but she looked at him, and realised he was nowhere near to being out of the woods

"How longs he arrested for?" she asked, as Jeff and Dixie proceeded to lift Jay onto a stretcher, and hurry him into the ambulance

"about half an hour, and You go ahead, I need to make some calls" Nick said, as he nodded at Jeff and Dixie to keep going, and not stop to wait for him to lumber into the ambulance.

* * *

Nick was in his car, his blackberry was plugged in and he was voice commanding

"Call Charlie Fairhead" he said, loudly to the phone, and it dialled, and started to ring

"Nick, its 4.00am" said Charlies cool voice

"Ive found Jay" Nick said, whispering almost, what he was about to say next was terrible

"Is he ok, where is he now?" Asked Charlie, in a sheer panic already

"Hes on his way to the hospital..I found him and he arrested Charlie" Nick said, and he could feel Charlies look of horror from the other end of the phone

"Im heading there now, I suggest you do the same" Nick instructed

"And Ruth?" he asked, suddenly

"I'll get through to her" Nick said..then he realised...Ruth, Ruth who lived down the next road, he would go and get her..

Nick banged on Ruths door, not caring if she lived with anyone else, and who would Ruth live with anyway?

It was a good 5 minutes before Ruth came thundering down the stairs, and she looked startled as she saw Nick on the doormat

"Mr Jordan?" She asked, in the same polite way she had always addressed him

"Ruth, we've found Jay, its not good" Nick said, speedily, hoping she would just get in the car and come with him

"How bad is it Nick?" Ruth asked, her arms crossed and her eyebrows knitting together

"I found him, we argued, he went to sleep, and arrested" Nick said, simply, and watched Ruth awkwardly pat her neck, her eyes were glazing over

"Ruth, just come with me we'll talk in the car" Nick said, and Ruth obliged, running straight to Nicks car.

* * *

In the hospital, Tess and Adam were holding the fort. Nick had become all "private investigator" since Jays mysterious vanishing, Noel was chained to the desk, Mac was carting patients around, Charlie was constantly on edge, and Ruth, well the less said about her the better. They had all seen her attempting to cope, but they all knew her well enough to know she was using her work to channel all her rage, worry and clear upset into.

It was a quiet night in the ED, which was always surprsing...until the doors opened, and the look of urgency on Dixies face said it all

"What have we got?" Adam asked, jumping off his seat and watching as Dixie and Jeff hurtled whoever this person was into resus at record speed.

"Its Jay, Nick found him, he's arrested" Dixie said, and Jeff started reeling off facts like BP, etc.

"Right" Adam said, his voice shaking

"Page Doctor Lyons and Doctor Reid" Adam barked at Kirsty, who immediately did what she was told, and within minutes, Jay was flat on his back hooked up to machines, with Lenny, Adam and Yuki all treating him

"Come on mate" Lenny said, looking at his buddys pale face, sunken eyes..gaunt dispostion.

"Shocking..stand clear" Adam started, and Charlie ran to the window, looking in despair, knowing it was only a hindrance to go further

From outside the window, All Charlie could see was a sea of blue around a body, jerking upwards and downwards like he was having a fit. It was Jay..Jay.

Suddenly, Nick and Ruth came bursting in...Ruth running, and Nick at a quick paced walk

"How is he?" Nick asked, and Charlie sighed and jerked his head in the direction of the window he had been focusing his attention on for the last 10 minutes.

"Hes gonna go isnt he" Ruth said, running her hands through her hair

"Stupid to think.." she started, and Charlie watched her, he was worried, but he did not have time to think of others right now, he was thinking of Jay, Jay who acted like his surrogate son, Jay who right now, was writhing around the resus bed.

"Stupid to think what Ruth?" Nick barked

"Don't worry" she said, and carried on muttering under her breath, and looking at Jay..

"COME ON!" bellowed Charlie in his head, he felt like he was talking to Jay, in a daydream..he drifted off

* * *

_"Gramps, nomore" Jay said_

_"Come on Jay, you can explain, we wont judge, we'll listen, we've done it for patients, and your our friend" Charlie said, kindly_

_"I dont want to hurt you" Jay started_

_"Your hurting us more by blocking us out Jay" Charlie reminded him_

_"But your going to think my reasons stupid"_

_"But it wont be in your head" Charlie reasoned_

_"But Ruth.." Jay began again.._

_"Ruth loves you, and she wants the chance to listen" Charlie replied_

_"Dont give up" Charlie said_

_"But the pains getting worse and worse Charlie.." Jay said, in a worried voice, _

_"Then you start your medication, stay here for a few days and replenish" Charlie said, in a strong manner_

_"I'll try..." came the voice of Jay.._

_"Please do Jay, for you, for us..we deserve to know, and you deserve not to go like this" Charlie urged him..come on Jay..come on.._

_then suddenly_

_

* * *

_

Someone was patting Charlie's back, and squealing in his ear...

"CHARLIE HES BACK!" Ruth screeched, in a very unlike Ruth cry, it was public of her to shout and everything, and jumping up aswell, it was a incredible amount of movement for Ruth, he almost felt proud to of witnessed it.

Charlie jerked his head up, and smiled as he saw Jays head finally respond from the shocking, and vomit into a bowl

"Thanks for that" quipped Adam

"No problem" Jay croaked, taking a control of his oxygen mask

"I think theres people who want to see you" Lenny said, he put his free arm around Jay, and he pointed out to his ill friend, the three figures who had each, in a different way supported him throughout his journey..all the crap he had pulled, almost dieing, lying, and they were still standing there, looking worried, happy, but bold as brass...united.


	21. Look at the stars,how they shine for you

**_Sorrry for the major delay, been breaking into A-Levels, as you can see its clearly taken a while!_**

2 hours had passed, and Ruth was perched on the visitors stool in resus, carefully brushing her hand across Jays face. She had almost lost him too many times, she thought of the moment she opened her door at the bizarre time of night, finding a very stressed Nick Jordan on her doorstep..she couldn't quite believe the events of the past week..Jay had lied, he had gone missing, he had almost died..he had actually felt that he couldn't talk to anyone that much.

She softly leaned her head on his arm, feeling soothed by the way his chest had got into the pattern of rising and falling, effortlessly.

"Im going to look after you" Ruth said..her voice sounded determined...people stopped and stared..the only other noise the workers had heard was the beeping of the various machines.

"I mean it Jay" Ruth said, trying to imagine Jays reaction..he would laugh it off, say he didn't want to burden her or something like that...something that sounded so selfless to Jay, but so stupid to Ruth.

She got him though. She had never been "looked after" a day in her life, and she got the impression that Jay, although he never spoke about his family, often had to be the strong person who held everyone together, the one who had to work for himself. She had never got the impression that Jay had had a very cushioned upbringing.

She looked at him, his eyes shut, he was a alive, he looked peaceful...almost happy. This time when he woke up it would be different. He wouldn't hide anything..what else was there to hide?

She would support him through chemo, try and reason with him to make sure he did it.

Ruth got up and suddenly realised..she had to be the rock. She had been Jays sort-of rock, but she was going to be like robin to batman..she was going to always be there, always. This was a huge responsibility for her, she could barely keep herself on the straight and narrow and now she had the task of absorbing all of Jays emotions aswell..but she wouldn't be alone.

As if he knew what she was thinking, Charlie entered resus, with a coffee in each hand..he handed one to Ruth

"Technically we aren't allowed "food and snacks" in here but Nick made a little exception" Charlie said with a wink,and looking like some sort of naughty child. Ruth had to laugh as Charlie tipped back his head for a long swig of coffee, but was brought back to earth by the fact is was way too hot to drink

Charlie studied Ruth's serious expression, and Jays sleeping form

"Its going to be different" Charlie said, to Ruth, who looked emotionally drained

"How can it be..he's going to think lieing for our good is for his good..." Ruth started

"So we need to talk more, we need to make him understand...and we also need to beat this whole "im going to save the world and protect everyone" sense of self out of him!" Charlie said, and chuckled at Jay

"I remember the simple days, where he just ate tea and biscuits and called me gramps" Charlie sighed, wistfully

"I remember the days when we first got together when he used swabsticks to represent our relationship" Ruth laughed, thinking of how long ago that was, and how far away the thought was

"Hes not going anywhere" Charlie smiled

"You got that right gramps" said a murmur, and Ruth and Charlie both looked at eachother and smiled

"Your a idiot" Charlie said, looking into Jays bloodshot brown eyes

"I guessed that would be your first course of action" Jay said, amused

"Your getting chemo..I don't care If I have to forge your signature" Charlie continued, and Jay looked around at Ruth, who vigrously nodded

"Ive been a bit of a plank havent I guys?" Jay said, seriously

"A bit.." Ruth started

"Well you ran away, into the cold, into the night, without your medication, and thought you could live on water..not your best idea by any means" Charlie grimaced

"Stuff like that sounds so dramatic when its all put together" Jay sighed,

"Thats because it was serious Jay..you could of died" Ruth said, with a sad face

"Im gonna go rally the troops and tell them the solider is awake.." Charlie decided, he got up and swiftly nodded at Jay with a smile, which seemed to be infectious

* * *

"Ruth im sorry..if you want to get up and go you can, you don't deserve this" Jay said, sounding in pain as he said it

"You don't understand Jay, still! I want to be there for you if you'll just let me and stop keeping things to yourself!" Ruth said urgently, putting a hand over his

"Im sorry" Jay said again, and his eyes started to tear up upon seeing Ruths tired, upset expression

"Jay; I love you, I want you to be better...we can deal with everything else later just please...do this for me" Ruth said, emotionally, and Jay knew what she was getting at..Chemo.

"Last time.." he started, looking at her, mirroring her tear-stained face

"Its not going to be like last time" Ruth cut in, not wanting to hear the horrible stories

"I love you" Jay blurted out, and Ruth stood up and pressed her head to Jays

"I love you too" she said, simply, like it was the easiest sentence in the world.

She kissed him softly as their tears both fell together..for now he was safe..


	22. Mad world

**Thank you for everything guys! Keep reviewing, I want some more reviews on this!**

Jay tossed and turned in his hospital bed...he was being kept there by the sterling team of Charlie and Ruth, whodecided that with his previous history, he should stay somewhere guarded, somewhere he wouldnt run off..it had been 2 months after his collapse in the park and every day he woke up wishing that he felt better, but he didn't.

Some days he felt worse then before, some days he felt like death warmed up. Some days he didn't let any visitors in at all,he hated looking so weak. The doctors knew it aswell, they sent him for scan after scan which was all going to come into a climax today..it was a appointment with the lead consultant of the whole ward, they were going to tell him if there was a light at the end of the tunnel, or if the situation was bleak.

Was he scared? He didn't even know. He never admitted feeling vulnerable, to him it was like admitting he wasn't a man. He wondered what the worst outcome could be. Death? Death upcoming? Surely it couldn't be that bad, his cancer was chronic, it was coming over a period of time, he had enough new symptoms to realise, aswell as the long drip that was coming out one side of his arm each day. The doctors said Jay should take someone with him..he tried running through people..

Ruth was his girlfriend, his rock,but he did not want her hearing first hand if things were bad, aswell as the fact that she might try and correct the doctors

Charlie was almost too nice to burden with this, and he would go into some sort of denial

Adam? Noel? Mac? Jeff? No! They were his lads, not his cancer pity party..he liked to keep things more...Laddish with them. Once a week they would all come in and watch the football through Noels laptop, and thats how Jay wanted things. As normal as they could be.

He didn't even know why he felt like he expected bad news, but he did..he could feel it. If he was battling it, things would be feeling better, even by a little bit but they didn't

He was on pills to control the symptoms so the nosebleeds and vomiting were at a minimum, but he still felt so weak and frail.

It was gradually getting worse, he knew it was upcoming, but he hated it.

Ruth entered the room, and Jay smiled weakly at her as she sat herself down, looking flustered and annoyed

"whats got you all hot and bothered doctor winters?" laughed Jay, having visitors was the only thing that stopped him from going insane.

Jay was a people person, he utterly detested being on his own, thinking about things too much.

Things that broke down his cheeky facade and turned him into the insecure, lost boy he used to be."Inspection" Ruth said, simply, with a angry tone"Who slipped up?" Jay asked, in his calm manner that he usually saved for nursing

"Zoe Hanna" Ruth said, slipping the name out like it was a swear word

"You know Ruth, if you stopped launching attacks on her you would actually get on" Jay said, grinning slightly

"Me? Get on with her-Jay we are opposites!" started Ruth, picking at her hair and stuttering, like she did when she was frustrated

"Hows your day been?" She asked lightly

"So much fun I almost wish I could be here everyday..oh wait..I am" Jay mused, and Ruth looked at him, closing her eyes slowly

"You know I can't take you home" Ruth sighed, knowing that Jay was going to widen his brown eyes in a attempt to get her to take him home.

She wanted to, but she knew it would not be practical. She wasn't around alot, she was always working..she would probably see him more if she was in the hospital with him, it was more of a home to her then her flat was.

"I know" Jay said, looking exasperated

"Maybe I could bring you in something.." Ruth started

"No more about me, tell me more, about your day" Jay said, with a smile at her.

She looked so tired..he missed being tired because he was working. He loved nursing, being at the epicentre of everyones lives, he loved that feeling he got from helping someone, that he had made a difference.

"So whens your appointment" Ruth asked, looking at Jays weary face, and from the amount of scans he had recently, the amount of tests, that something new was happening

"at 7pm..they like to keep the suspense" Jay said and Ruth grinned

"Like your going to be on time anyway" she said, Jay laughed

"Im in the same building"

"That doesnt stop you extending your breaks" Ruth said with a air of sarcasm, and a smile

"I work long shifts, I deserve a extra biscuit" Jay grinned, and Ruth smiled to herself...when Jay smiled, it was like every bit ofworry etched onto his face faded, even if it was just for a split second Ruths pager beeped

"No rest for the wicked" she said, trying to hold back a yawn, and gave Jay a light peck on the lips, then she headed out the room,muttering something about a certain Zoe Hanna getting longer looked at himself in the mirror as he got up...the hospital room was almost like a bedroom..the staff had made a effort to make it look "homely"

_4 hours later_

"Jay!" came a voice from outside the office, almost as soon as he had left...he couldn't take it in..it was too immense..too big

_"So what are you saying?" Jay said to the guy sitting behind the desk..it was all fair and well having scans displayed and explained to him but he wanted to know about the bigger picture_

_"Jay, we have tried alot of treatments" said the doctor, tapping his pen_

_"Trust me I know" he responded, wanting to grab the pen out the mans hand and throw it out a window..just to stop the noise...it was like the ticking of a clock_

_"Well the thing is, they havent been working effectively" _

_"So basically your pumping me with useless crap?" Jay asked, and his eyes widened. He knew what these speeches were like for Ruth, Lenny, and he was making it hard for this man by being rude..he needed to stop_

_"Sorry" Jay said, in another breath_

_"No please, go ahead, I understand it must be frustrating" the doctor said, and was met with silence_

_"Jay, what ive called you into here to say is. We as a department have all looked at your scans, your blood tests, everything..and theres nothing we can do for you anymore..its not working" the doctor said, and Jay cut in again_

_"Hold on, are you telling me im dieing?" Jay asked, his eyes wide again_

_"Indeed, the cancer is terminal" the doctor said, and Jay placed a hand over his mouth and swore darkly under his breath_

_"Thank you, im going to go now" Jay said, leaving the doctor talking at him, even when he opened the door..the reality had not hit him yet...he was dieing..._

"Gramps!" Jay replied, trying to sound equally happy to see him

"How did it go?" Charlie asked, with a furrowed brow and a forced smile

"err" Jay started..he could not lie again..he couldn't, not this time

"What is it Jay" Charlie asked, knowing that whatever it was, it could not be that hideous

"Charlie..its the end" Jay begun, he did not know how to start the conversation

"What do you mean the end?" Charlie asked, with a soft chuckle..Jay didnt laugh..the corners of his mouth didn't even crease he was deadly serious

"Jay" Charlie repeated, looking into the brown eyes of his friend, hoping he could find a answer..the brown eyes filled up with tears of some sort

"Its the end gramps..they just said in there..its terminal cancer..theres nothing they can do, nothings working.." Jay responded..his eyes glistening

"Better get Lenny, Mac and Noel on the books, they can take bets on when im gonna die" Jay said, walking off into the distance, leaving a dumbstruck Charlie in his wake


End file.
